She may have been your first love, she may have cheated on you, or she may be seeing someone else immediately after the break up. Hell, maybe it’s all three in your situation. It’s rough, I know and it’s something that every guy has to deal with. Break ups are the price you pay for stepping on to the dating field and some of those relationships just sting way more than others. It’s not necessarily about ‘forgetting’ your ex-girlfriend (although you will hardly ever think about her at some point), it’s more about how you will move on and get over the current pain and heartache you are feeling. Letting go of this girl is the only way you can get on with your life and have a happy future because if you clutch to the past (and it is the past now!), you’ll be stuck there mentally and it’s never really the happiest place to be. With that in mind I want to present some tips to you about how to get over your ex fast. These are some of the things that I have done after old relationships ran their course and I needed to get myself out of that crappy mindset. Also, I’m going to link other relative posts that I have written, that go into greater detail and should prove helpful…so read up on those as well.
An important thing to understand after a break up is that although your ego and pride is hurt right now, you value is not determined by a relationship. If she broke up with you, yes, you probably have some fault in it. Sometimes, you simply grow apart and can’t keep going on the same path together. If she cheated, maybe the other guy excited her in some way that you didn’t. At your core, however, none of this should ultimately affect how you view yourself. I wrote about this before (How to Have Confidence with Women) but I want to reiterate that if you are dependent on external validation you will always end up miserable. Meaning, if you feel like you ‘can’t’ get over your ex-girlfriend, it is because you placed your feeling happy on her and her actions. As such, because you weren’t truly happy and content on your own, you’ve developed an addiction to the way she makes you feel. Once she took that away, your mood went into the toilet. Anyhow, you now find yourself in this situation, so I will tell you how I’ve personally gone about getting over my own past relationships.
Take Some Time to Just Feel Bad
During the initial period after the breakup it is perfectly normal to feel bad about it. Embrace the pain and let yourself feel it for at least some period of time. It is hard to move on from something if you never accept it or just try to numb or ignore it. Do what you got to do but don’t involve her in it on any level. So, if you’re lying in bed and allowing yourself to experience those emotions, keep your phone or other device away from you. You don’t want to get caught up in emotions and start to think about sending her a message or begging for her to come back. It might be a good idea to consider putting some amount of time aside each day, where you can be alone and just feel bad about your ex-girlfriend not being there. At least for a little while. (See: Deal with Loneliness after A Break Up)
Don’t Let the Sadness Wallow
The first tip was to allow you to really feel the pain and sadness, so that you can accept it and move on. However, this does not mean that you are going to stay in that mode forever. In fact, if you stay in that mode, you’ll end up being one of those sad old guys pining for the one that got away instead of going forward in your life and meeting new women. Focusing on the sad is good for accepting that things are different now but it also will put you in a negative mindset, which sucks long-term. What I like to do is to start setting aside time, where I can feel positive energy for at least a little while each day. I might read some articles to help me cope, listen to motivational podcasts or speeches, go for a walk, lucid dream, or just go to the gym and tear it up. It seems like a little thing, but having some amount of positive time each day, can really help to point you back in the right direction.
Stop Idealizing the Relationship
It might have been a great relationship, she may have been your first love, but it’s over now. All failed relationships had some kind of problem, whether you were aware of them or not. Maybe she needed to go in a different direction in her life. Accept that as her choice. You can remember the good times but don’t idealize them. She wasn’t perfect, as great as you think she was. If you know that she cheated or she treated you poorly, this is especially important, to get rid of that notion that she was some sort of angel, she wasn’t. I know it can feel like she’s the only one for you…the truth is she isn’t. I’ve felt that way about girls too and you know what? Other girls came along and were either better or worse than the previous one but they all served a purpose in my life. Understand that you will have lots of relationships in life, if you so choose, but no matter how great they are, time passes and things change and that relationship can end as quickly as it began. (Signs a Relationship is Over)
Happiness for You
Dependency is what makes you no longer feel happy because she is gone. Like I said earlier, if your happiness is dependent on external influences and not rooted within yourself, then it’s just a matter of time before things go awry. Relationships should enhance your life experience, not become a dependency that brings you down into a long funk or depression. Focus on making yourself more secure and content within your own life, girls will always be around, but if you’re not happy with you why would anyone else be? (Understanding the Journey)
You Can’t Help Her Feelings towards You
Your ex-girlfriend is a person with her own thoughts and feelings. You cannot totally control whether you get back together or not (see: Do You Really Want Your Ex-Girlfriend Back?). Acting pitiful by calling or messaging her all the time is either going to gain you her disgust or her pity. Things have changed and in most cases these changes cannot be undone, yes, occasionally there is a reconciliation but even most of those don’t work out. The feelings you once had for each other are different now, at least on her part, so understand and accept that but don’t whine to her about it.
Bitterness is a Stinky Cologne
Is she seeing someone else? Pisses you off, right? Why should it? Don’t let your ego control your emotions. Stop the comparisons to the other guys that she will inevitably date and sleep with. You are not in competition with them. Women are not a scarce resource, let go and realize that there are literally billions of them to meet and possibly date. If she cheated on you, she certainly broke your trust, but is holding a grudge going to make anything better? Isn’t it great that you found out she was untrustworthy so that you don’t waste any time on her in the future? As bad as it sounds, she did you a favor by revealing her true nature. Now you’re free to explore any number of options or opportunities with other women who will fit what you want your life to be like. If you remove the idea of competition towards her or the other guys she is dating then it is pretty hard to feel upset about it. You haven’t necessarily lost anything, it is merely a change, a chance to set a new course. This is reality, so stop living in your bitter fantasies.
Learn from This and Move On
Life lessons can be painful but they serve a purpose. What have you learned from this experience? Perhaps, this will make you more selective with the women or type of relationship you want. Maybe you have learned that not all relationships (most won’t) work out in the end. Change and break ups are a part of life, you lose people and other things, and then you gain other people for a time. It’s just the way this whole thing works. You probably made plenty of mistakes, recognize them, and don’t do it again in the future. (How to Get a Girlfriend in College)
No Contact Rule
I just wrote a whole post on this topic, so I’ll keep this section brief. It is hard to move on from someone if you are in contact with them every single day. Stop calling and texting them when you don’t need to, she isn’t your girlfriend anymore! How do you expect to move on from someone if you are constantly trying to engage them in conversation? Now, you might have no choice in the matter, and you have to see her for some reason. That’s fine. Be friendly and keep the interactions as short as possible, whatever her reaction towards you is. If she’s acting childish, let her do that, but don’t stoop to her level. Brush it off. You keep an even keel, throughout this process around her, don’t let her bother you and don’t you act like a bitter child either. This is part of the healing process, sometimes you just need space away from the person to get over them. Yes, it hurts, there is naturally a withdrawal period because of that dependence you’ve built on them but you must go through it in order to get to the other side.
Here are the quick bullet points for getting over your ex-girlfriend:
- Allow yourself to feel bad (for at least a short period)
- Just don’t wallow in the sadness and let it keep you down.
- Don’t remember the relationship as better than it actually was.
- Learn to be truly happy with yourself, she can enhance your life, not complete it.
- Her feelings are her feelings
- Stop being bitter
- Learn life lessons from the experience and move on
- No contact helps you with clarity about what actions to take
If You Still Want Her Back After This….
This is my personal process for getting over a girl. Once I feel, I’ve accomplished these steps, I generally like to start completely fresh. However, some guys find that even after they’ve prepared themselves emotionally to move on and had other women in their lives, they still believe that she was the right fit for them.
If it’s the case that you’re in a good spot emotionally and you still feel like she is the one, perhaps you consider a program to help rekindle things between the two of you. The Magic of Making Up is a full ebook program designed to assist in mending broken relationships. Over 50,000 people have given it a try, visit here to read successful user testimonials and further information about making up with your ex. Here is a brief video presentation from the book’s author:
It does take time to get over an ex-girlfriend but you will do so if you take the steps toward growth and moving on to the next chapter of your life. If you wallow and constantly make yourself sad about a situation, then you’ll be haunted by it for years and your life will stagnate and eventually worsen as a result. You must accept and embrace change in your life, that sort of make lemonade out of the lemons that life gives you. Ultimately, you are the one who decides how you feel about yourself and your life, and if you accept that it sucks then that’s all it ever will be. Believe me, you have the power to change your life for the better and time will heal old wounds but you must be willing to go through the process.