Typing in “how to get a girlfriend” into a search engine is not the end of the process. It is not a magic pill or formula that will turn you into Don Juan after five minutes of reading about “game”. No, it is neither of these things, what your search yields is a starting place. A starting place for a race without a definite finish, one that if you choose to accept it, will not end after you start going on dates or getting laid but will put you on the path to personal growth. Loneliness and dissatisfaction with life run far deeper than simply a lack of being ‘successful’ with women. These are internal matters that cannot be solved by external validation, meaning, you should not ever have your happiness depend on your current status with women. Improving in any aspect of life is a process. It can be slow and arduous without a doubt and there will always be days when you want to quit or you’ve experienced failure one too many times and feel as if you have simply been spinning your wheels. However, even the smallest steps still cover some distance, whether it is an inch or a foot at a time the key is to keep moving forward. I want to start this blog by writing about the journey itself and the importance of experience in terms of long-term success and beliefs about the world around you.
“If anyone on the verge of action should judge himself according to the outcome, he would never begin.” -Soren Kierkegaard, from Fear and Trembling
Now, if you want to develop you social skills, have girlfriends, or whatever you particular goal at the moment may be there is obviously a place you must start. If reading a site like this is that place, fantastic. Take books, videos, and blog posts for what they are, ideas. Ideas are important because they can have a tremendous influence on how you think and perceive situations when you actually face them. For example, learning how to start a conversation with a girl and then applying that information when you go out to socialize. What you are doing is taking information and using it to receive feedback, whether you perceive the feedback to be positive or negative, in order to shape your beliefs in the long-term. Initial perceptions can be dangerous to long-term growth, so say you were to get rejected harshly by a woman, it could deepen the level of anxiety and fear you have of starting a conversation based on a sample size of one approach. On the flip side, a positive experience may take the belief of success far away from reality, and subsequent approaches that didn’t work out can drag a person back down. Long-term, the idea is to face your fears and cultivate a sense of indifference to success or failure, and simply explore the world in an open manner.
I sort of liken growth in the social realm to an example from my childhood with basketball. When I was four years old, I began to watch the game on TV and learning the basic concepts of the sport. By the time I got my first basketball hoop a few months later I had internalized the rules of the game as well as an inexperienced four year old could have. The problem was I had never played the game. I had developed some knowledge without hands-on experience. This is the same situation you may find yourself in, if you lack social experiences involving women but begin reading self-help books, philosophy, or various attraction techniques. These things can of course help but it’s only a fraction of the complete picture. As I grew older, watching the games on TV helped to reinforce concepts and expand my knowledge, but I still had to test these ideas out for myself on the court by practicing until they became almost second nature to me.
This level of competence in social situations or any other goal comes only through trial and error. A four year old me could have shot around for one day, missed shots horribly, and gotten frustrated and gave up the game forever. I know that as a child I did get frustrated by the missed shots or games that I eventually played in and ended up losing, but I never did give up on basketball. Why? Due to the fact that it was always fun and was always a challenge to improve my game. In all those years, I missed hundreds of thousands of shots and probably made more, but I really don’t remember too many of them one way or another because I knew there would always be more opportunities and because one shot isn’t really that important in the grand scheme of things. This is the result of repetition, an indifference to success and failure on at least the most basic level. Experience teaches you that results will come but the game should always stay fun for you.
“His tendency to explain Mozart’s perfected being, just as a schoolmaster would, as a supreme and special gift rather than as the outcome of his immense powers of surrender and suffering, of his indifference to the ideals of the bourgeois, and of his patience under that last extremity of loneliness which rarefies the atmosphere of the bourgeois world to an ice-cold ether, around those who suffer to become men, that loneliness of the Garden of Gethsemane.”- Hermann Hesse, from the novel, Steppenwolf.
As in the excerpt from Steppenwolf above, most people tend to view a person with immense talent like a Mozart, as someone born with an amazing ability for music. Yes, people have more natural potential than others but what separates greatness from the rest of the pack is the ability to slog through the boring moments, the isolation, and the suffering in order to reach a level other people aren’t willing to go for. Natural advantages exist in social situations as well; physical attributes, money, connections, or whatever else can be a plus to have but they are not sure things. Good looking guys get rejected and some of them never even have the balls to approach a woman and thus will have very limited options. I’ve seen other guys who are overweight or have weird faces pull absolute stunners based on the sheer force of their personalities. Understand: there are always going to be women who won’t like you, are indifferent about you, or who will flat out love you, and all physical types of women from models to girls you find unattractive will reside in each of the three categories. The common denominator though, is always you. You are the one responsible for creating interaction with all of these categories of women to sort out the ones who are inclined to like you.
If you want to have the social life of your dreams and be able to hold conversations with and perhaps even attract a woman towards you then it is a necessity that you master the process step by step. It is always easy to give up and yield to distractions or illusions about the world. Guys that have been beaten down and not gotten back up again to grow from further experience are the ones who utter phrases such as, “All women are bitches” or “No one will ever love me.” These are the men who give up and stick to fantasizing about their ideal woman or turn to porn to satisfy all of their sexual desires. They give in to the fear of rejection and let their egos coddle them into not going after what they want because it is of course much easier and a safer proposition to give into illusion rather than facing reality and coming out the other side as a stronger and more fully developed man.
By facing these fears directly and deciding to go full bore into the process of personal development, amazing strides are made both internally and externally to reveal a man with the ability to get what he wants out of life. Moving forward through all of the bad times, rejections, and hits to the ego eventually presents us with the rewards of progress. Getting over your anxieties with women is the only path to being able to experience all of the joys that come with being around women. First, however, we must master the basics. We must learn from failure directly and realize that the pain and embarrassment that we feel is really not all it’s cracked up to be. We must learn what the world is through trial and error so that we may consider new possibilities for our lives that we had never known before. This journey isn’t about one girl or one thousand girls; it is about you, taking each step and revealing greater truths about yourself. Getting laid is just part of the fun.
“The more fresh experiences you acquire, the faster your thinking will mature. The more you seek shelter and comfort through diversion, escapism, and fantasy, the longer you’ll suffer.” –Steve Pavlina