Conversations can be meaningful, boring, insightful, or can produce any type of feeling a human being is capable of experiencing. For the socially awkward or inexperienced, it isn’t just the content of the conversation that gives them the most trouble, rather, it is how to start a conversation in the first place. For many guys, it is evident that they can speak to people under certain circumstances but they consider themselves clueless on the subject of how to talk to girls. It is often the case that when these guys find themselves at parties or bars and they see an attractive girl, their mind suddenly blanks and they don’t know what to talk about. The question is what are some things to talk about with girls? Well, the answer is anything. There are infinite topics with which you can converse about with women (obviously, some topics will stir up a hornet’s nest so, don’t be an idiot). In this post, I want to discuss opening a conversation with a woman at a party or club and try to present some guidelines to help you talk to a girl for the first time.
Here are some other potentially helpful posts:
The first thing that you must understand is that as I stated above, there are an infinite number of ways to start a conversation. Saying hello starts a conversation, as does walking up to a girl and saying ‘Oh my gawd, you’re so hot.’ The difference between the two will most likely be in the outcomes each opening produces. Outcome is the surface level problem that is causing the fear that makes your mind go blank and your body seize up in anxiety. Think about it. Your mind has a tendency to visualize success or failure before you start a conversation with a girl and then your ego rears its ugly head to prevent you from taking action and risk the possibility of feeling embarrassed by rejection (I wrote about this in further detail here: Building Self-Confidence with Women).
It takes time to understand fully for yourself and with more experience it eventually becomes clear that you will need to ditch your dependence on outcome and simply enjoy the interaction for what it is. What I mean here is that when you go into an interaction with a girl and you are trying to achieve some outcome (phone number, make-out, sex) then there is always going to be a pleasure/pain dynamic set up from the start. If you get the girl you’re happy, if you don’t it’s a negative reinforcement. Also, your interactions will be more about running game on a girl than actually exploring to see whether or not you’d actually enjoy spending time with her. Is that a bad thing? Well, that depends on if your goal is to become a pick-up artist or to simply keep growing as a person and have an abundance of women in your life as a result.
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Okay, I don’t want to get too far off task since we came here to discuss how to start a conversation, but I do think that the no outcome approach is the best bet when you get down to it. My only real ‘goals’ when talking to a girl are expression and exploration, meaning I’m presenting myself with my guard down and trying to find out who she is as a person. Basically, you are socializing and letting things develop from there. So what does this look like in practice? Let me present a few examples from my life to give you an idea.
(Note: When I say opening lines, it means simply the line I opened the conversation with, not a sure fire pick-up line that will get you laid)
Opening #1: “What is this?”
Context: Girl at a bar dancing by herself while her friends talked. She was doing some weird shit with her hands like they were keeping the beat of the song that was playing. I then followed up with some teasing about how she was off beat and then said something like “This is how you dance” and then pulled her close to start dancing. Pretty lame, right? Yep, but she was hugged up with me for the rest of the night.
You see? What did I really say that was so suave? Nothing. That’s the point. It’s not so much about what you say as it is how you say it. There is a certain level of social awareness that you will gain with more experience that lets you present yourself in the right way instead of coming off creepy. This is why breaking down your socially conditioned fears and developing confidence is so key, it allows you to relax and be an open and fun-loving guy…which is attractive. There was no need to ‘hit’ on her or try to game her in any way. Yes, the interaction was filled with flirting and since we were dancing our bodies were close but I think a lot of our conversation consisted of music and college majors. Basic shit, just not talked about in a boring way.
Opening #2: “They’re out of alcohol? How are we supposed to get drunk? (Grabs her hand) Follow me we have to find some more!”
Context: Wild college party. I am thirsty and the aforementioned alcohol dispenser (bucket full of PJ) is now empty. A cute girl happens to be there just as I am learning this fact and so I decide to share my disbelief with her. Sounds stupid as hell, I know, but let me break it down.
I noticed her standing there and waiting on me so she could also get a drink. It just so happened that it was now empty. I picked up my cup and looked at it, then at her, and I made a face like I was really sad. This made her laugh a bit. I then said that opening in a completely playful manner and then led her by the hand to another spot at the party that still had some alcohol. From there it was just keeping the interaction fun and getting to know her.
Notice, I literally said nothing of importance, just something off the cuff that happened to pertain to our situation. I made the fact that we were both thirsty turn almost into an adventure in itself and then I physically led her to where I wanted to go. In both of the scenarios I have laid out thus far, I quickly got physical with the girl, meaning I expressed myself through touch. Guys have so much trouble with this because they can easily come off like a creep and the girl will feel like she is being groped. My physicality was simply taking her by the hand. The whole situation was over the top to an extent (alcohol was involved) but it was completely fun and she dug it.
Opening #3: “You’re cute as hell.”
Context: Another house party and I’m with a group of people. My group is having a conversation with some other people while I am off to the side scanning the party. Make brief eye contact with a girl and I get positive body language. The messed up thing? I start to talk to someone else for a second instead of going to talk to the girl. I look over again and I get eye contact and a smile. Go time. I actually just walked up and wrapped my hands around her waist to start dancing. It was only after we started dancing that I told her she was ‘cute as hell’.
So in these three examples did I open the conversation with any smooth lines? Nope. I relied on confidence, tonality, and having fun. Worrying about what line to use is ultimately a waste of time because nothing works all of the time and some girls will simply not like you for whatever reason. I’ve told other girls they were cute as hell and got blown off, so it couldn’t be the words that were the problem. It was something about me or something about their moods.
What if I’m not at a club or a party? What if there is a hot girl who sits next to me in class? Obviously, there is a difference in how you interact, so adjust accordingly. Tone the physicality way down, probably just eliminate it all together. Don’t need to say something like you’re cute as hell or anything like that because if it fails, prepare for an awkward semester. That’s another difference, the extent of time you have in an environment such as a classroom in which you will see the girl often versus that of a party or a night club where it could be a few minutes to a few hours of initial interaction. For this post, I don’t want to focus on these longer scenarios, but for Christ sakes just learn to hold a basic conversation and you should be fine.
Now chances are you aren’t at the same level of comfort and confidence in these types of social situations as I am in the above examples. That’s okay, it takes time, and having to experience discomfort for yourself to start to get past it but let’s go over some basic concepts to help bring you up to speed.
Build Up Your Comfort Level
If you’re at the point in your life where you are pretty much clueless socially, you should start with basic conversation and interaction with people in general, not just girls. It doesn’t have to ever be complex, it could be just walking through the party and acknowledging the other guests. Something like: “What’s up?” or “How y’all doing tonight?” It doesn’t have to start a conversation but it will help get you comfortable with speaking to other people.
When in a conversation with someone you’ve just met you’ll recognize that it is pretty much basic protocol to ask them questions about their lives and what they do. This is a good way to help break the ice but it often is boring and sounds just like an interview. So you might ask, “What’s your major?” and follow their answer with “What do you want to do with that degree?” and then follow that up with yet another question. Boring as hell.
When I’m talking to a girl and I’m getting to know her through the same type of questions I like to interject my own personality and make the conversation a bit more fun. For instance, part of the conversation I had with a girl a few weeks ago: (this is from memory, not exactly what I said but you’ll get the gist)
“So what do you do?”
“I go to school at (whatever university).”
“Cool. What are you studying?”
“Wow…so you’re like a complete nerd huh?”
“I’m not a nerd!”
“Yeah right, kids probably beat you up and stuffed you into lockers in high school.”
“You’re just jealous that I’m smart.”
“No, I like that you’re smart, it’s kinda hot. So what do you do when you’re not solving equations?”
The difference in that conversation versus one that is just a straight line of questioning is that I tease her and try to make the conversation more fun so that she’s more invested into talking to me.
In the other examples I gave, the situation presented itself that I could go right into getting more flirtatious or physically escalating things with a girl. For the most part, I go to parties or events to have fun, and that is my sole focus. I try to interact with a bunch of different people either male or female, so a lot of the ways to start a conversation will be a more formal, “Hi, nice to meet you.”
Other times conversations will be much more spontaneous, for instance, I was chilling at a party and sitting near a girl whose friend had just come back from the store and brought some weird alcoholic drink back for the girl I was sitting by:
Her: “What is this drink?”
Me: “I don’t know but it sounds awful.” (She hesitated about drinking it) “Go ahead…drink it.”
Her: “This is disgusting.”
Me: “What does it taste like?”
Her: “It’s like….I can’t explain it. Taste it.”
Me: “I don’t want to drink that mess.”
Her: “Just try it.”
Me: “That’s the worst drink, I’ve ever had.”
Her: “I know, it’s terrible.”
I think we riffed on this drink for a few minutes before our conversation transitioned into other topics. It wasn’t scripted or forced just something that stemmed naturally from what was going on at the party. What if I had just sat next to this girl and then started running game? Probably would have been awkward but since there was no pressure on the outcome of the conversation, everything just flowed. Expression and exploration in action.
Keep it Fun and the Pressure is Off
Like I’ve already said, squash the expectations and fantasies your brain conjures up when you see an attractive girl. Learn to have fun and keep an interaction as a basic exploration of whether or not she is a girl you might actually be interested in. It is really amazing how quickly you can build a connection with some people if you simply let go of your ego-induced fears and let your guard down. If you open up, people tend to reciprocate, that doesn’t mean go to a party and talk about your life problems. It means being relaxed, self-aware, and have a positive vibe that people want to be around.
The thing about going out with an agenda (to get laid or get numbers) is that everything you do seems more calculated and unnatural. I’ve seen guys who try to run some premeditated game on a girl and it just appears awkward. I mean, a scripted line or opener can work, but it’s more likely to only if you are a good actor, if not you’ll just be the weird guy at the party. I remember times I went out a few years back when I still had the idea I should go out and try to get girls, sometimes it worked but it seems like most of the time it didn’t and those were the worst nights. I spent an evening out and not only didn’t get a girl but didn’t even have any fun in the process. When you go out with no expectations or agenda, you can simply have fun and let the opportunities present themselves. Yes, some girls with still be bitchy or blow you off but it doesn’t matter. Just walk away and keep enjoying yourself.
Talking to girls at a party is a whole lot less complicated than people make it out to be. A majority of the issues you face in these situations are caused directly by yourself and your discomfort with socializing. That is why you need to continually build your confidence and grow as a person, through things like reading to help prime your mind, but also and most importantly through first-hand experience which will make you more comfortable with expressing yourself and not taking things so seriously. There are many ways to start a conversation with a girl but memorizing a few lines will not transform you into some kind of mack.