If you find yourself in college and you cannot get a girlfriend, it is little wonder as to why you would start to feel down about things. Let me tell you, that you are definitely not alone in your situation. In fact, most guys in college aren’t getting laid left and right, though, they’d tell you BS stories that would indicate otherwise. Judging by the traffic I get to this website, there are plenty of guys that are in the same boat as you. On a college campus, there are virgins, guys who get girls here and there, guys who are locked down in relationships, and then usually an elite number of guys who are the players. Obviously, if you’re in the first group, it would be beneficial to move into one of the other three (hopefully lock down with a girlfriend isn’t too bad). Though the question begs, how do you go about getting a girlfriend in college if you’ve never had one? Fear not. In this post, I want to break down the social scene, and help you see a path to getting girls in college. Remember, as always, the ultimate goal in this site is to improve yourself first and foremost, girls are secondary, though, can be a welcome addition to your life.
Do You Even Want a ‘Girlfriend’?
A huge problem for many guys it seems, is that they really don’t know what they want, in the context of their relationships with women. There are no doubt some of you reading this now who want nothing more than to hook up with a ton of chicks, no strings attached. That’s fine and dandy, however, your lack of experience can certainly blind you to how dirty ‘the game’ can be. Others among this group of readers, may be completely committed to finding a girl for marriage as soon as possible, after a long courting process. Once again, your youth and inexperience can blind you to all the downsides to serious relationships, especially those undertaken at a young age. Your tastes and attitudes towards life will in all likelihood change completely in the next ten years or so, which makes it a dangerous proposition to get entangled in marriage early on in life. It is generally a good idea to get more experience under your belt, after all there are jobs or other pursuits to consider before settling down.
Whatever path you choose, be aware of the pros and cons of each. Perhaps, it would be a better idea to not go overboard on either option, but undertake a third way which lets you play the field but still enjoy a few more serious girlfriends as good matches come along. I’m not going to tell you what to do in terms of your romantic entanglements, but I want to emphasize, that you should start to figure out what you want with your relationships, to help save a lot of pain and possibly heartache.
INTRODUCING ATTRACT YOUR DEVELOPMENT’S FIRST EBOOK
GAME WITHOUT GAMES: TRANSCENDING PICKUP ARTISTRY AND PURSUING ATTRACTION THROUGH CONSCIOUS PERSONAL GROWTH
$2.99 on Amazon.com (For Kindle) download the Kindle App for Free
Exploring the world of dating and so-called Pick-up Artistry, through the lens of the mind. Game without Games, from attractyourdevelopment.com, eschews traditional pickup advice and gets down to the core concepts of self including: fear, truth, connection, and desire. Taken from the author’s own personal experience in approaching, attracting, and dating women from age eighteen through his twenties, this book strips away all of the tips and tactics of the PUA community. Instead, this book focuses on personal development and cultivating what the ancient Stoic philosophers referred to as the internal.
With a greater inner strength and by focusing on developing one’s life in totality, attraction occurs naturally by becoming a ‘desirable man’. Game then is about expressing of oneself and exploring who she is, instead of trying to remember lame pick-up lines or tricks and tactics to get laid. Things become natural and flow from the relaxed and confident state of the man. He has control of his mental faculties and thus can accept life and social interactions on his own terms. Not chasing women or putting up with disrespect or other nonsense.
If you want to learn how to talk to girls, in a step by step format…go elsewhere. However, if you want to explore the mental side of game and the letting go of pickup dogma, Game without Game might be the book for you.
Excuses, Excuses…Shut Up and Dictate your Own Life
The next thing that you must come to terms with is your own mental limitations. These are the negative thought patterns which you run back in your mind over and over again. Such as, “I’m a loser. I’ll never have a girlfriend.”, “I have no friends and nobody likes me.”, “I can’t get a girlfriend because I don’t live on campus.” Blah, Blah, Blah…
When I first went to college, I didn’t live on campus either. In fact, I was a commuter student, and lived at home 20-30 minutes away from school. Secondly, I really didn’t know anyone there. While seemingly everyone else lived around campus or in the dorms and could thus meet plenty of people each day, I had to make a concerted effort to do so. Plus, I worked a job, 20-40 hours per week depending on my class schedule. Guess what? I still got girls. Perhaps not as many as I could have, had I been in a more optimal situation, but I still made it happen. That’s a trifecta of sucky circumstance, not having a place of my own, working, and having limited ability to meet new people. The point is, that you shouldn’t make excuses, you can’t always control circumstance but you can always try to plan around it. You may never be a guy who gets dozens of women but you can sure as hell get one at least.
Another thing I would like to say about dating girls in college has to do with standards (also see: Do You Have Standards?). Do you currently not have a girlfriend because your standards are too high? Being selective isn’t a bad thing but don’t complain that it is difficult, when you significantly narrowed your options. Also, if your standards are that high, what have you done to make yourself live up to high standards? Don’t be boring, overweight, dress like a slob, shy, nervous, and then get upset when the hotties don’t flock to you, as you have done little to broaden your appeal. Be aware that there are girls in college who can’t get dates either, I guarantee, that one of those girls would date you. The only thing holding you back is your own standards. If you’re unwilling to date those girls you consider ugly, then you must improve your level of attractiveness to the ones you want, and quit crying because you don’t have a girlfriend. You are stopping you, not society.
Other Helpful Posts:
Thou Wilt be Social
If you’re reading this, I’m going to venture a guess, and say that you suck socially. It’s okay, you may suck at basketball too, but much like basketball skills, social skills can be developed. The social aspect is usually the biggest hindrance to guys who can’t seem to get a girlfriend. Sure, there are guys who have fairly large social circles and are just terrible at one on one interaction with a girl, but the majority just plain suck at every level socially.
Keep in mind though, you’re not broken and you’re not a loser, you just need to put in more work than some other people. It is also a process; you will oscillate between improvements and setbacks socially. I remember during my bout with depression, how poorly I did socially, mostly because I felt like I couldn’t do anything. The worst thing about it, is that I cost myself a year (socially and academically), and this was after I had already enjoyed success with women. I remember meeting girls during that time, who would flirt with me and I was just so unhappy about life, I didn’t care (I’ll write more about this in another post). The point being, that getting better at things like being social is never a straight line. There are always periods where you feel like things are pointless and you doubt yourself, but not moving forward will make you miss the good times.
If you really can’t get a girlfriend and you have identified your social standing as the main reason why, then this is the first area I would focus on, even above getting girls. A majority of having game in college involves sociability and being a connecter socially. There are definitely guys out there who are fantastic at picking up girls in bars and clubs because they’ve worked on that aspect but may be totally lost in a college atmosphere due to the fact that they cannot build a social circle worth a damn.
The keys to meeting a lot of people in college are to participate and offer value. The truth of the matter is that a ton of people you meet are not going to be what you would term a close friend, most are acquaintances that you’ll will have shared experiences with at parties or events. That’s really not a bad thing either, as you’ll achieve a good balance, having a core group of close knit friends and a wide variety of people you can kick it with on occasion. Plus, you’ll have the opportunity to meet a lot of girls you would never have otherwise met, if you had stayed within your own close knit circle due to the multiplier effect.
Let me give you an example of leveraging acquaintances using the multiplier effect. Say, you head to a party with one of your close friends. You may be looking your best and be in a good mental flow, but what if you don’t know anyone at this party and your friend doesn’t either? Well, you’re at a distinct disadvantage because you’re not verified socially. Meaning, you have to work that much harder to work the room and vie for the attention of the girls in the surrounding environment. Not saying you won’t get girls, but why make something more difficult?
However, let’s say you go to a party and now you have a few acquaintances around along with your friend. Now, the playing field has been elevated a bit. Each acquaintance, will usually have a few friends with them that will be introduced to you, and as long as you can be basically social, the base of people you know has been expanded and can be leveraged. Let me explain,
- Girls you may eventually date can often start out as friends of friends, so by ever expanding your social circle, your options increase.
- Some social verification happens for people at the party. There is a huge difference between flying solo and having multiple interactions with different groups. Girls tend to notice social guys and even if you barely know the people you’re talking to, it gives off the illusion of social acceptance and hence makes her more comfortable with you.
- College is a highly social environment. Everybody wants to meet new people, especially girls. If you’re a guy who knows lots of people and can introduce her to them, you’ll be golden.
I can’t stress enough how important it is for guys to focus first on being social, even before learning any ‘game’ to pick up women. Time is a huge factor in getting women, lots of hook-ups can happen in just one night, but plenty more relationships developed over time. It’s pretty easy to spend time with a girl, if you run in the same social circles. If you can make yourself a desirable man, lots of opportunities present themselves with girls in your social circle or with their friends.
Here’s more on that: How to Start a Conversation with a Girl at a College Party
Okay, so I can’t teach you every aspect of being social in this post, it would be tens of thousands of extra words long. Plus, most of what you learn socially is through direct practice, so reading would only get you so far. In this next section, I want to cover some places you can start to expand your social circle in college.
There are dozens of interest, political, social, and academic groups on college campuses. If you know what’s good for you socially, you will use them! I joined plenty of groups and even with the ones I wasn’t all that actively engaged in, I still ended up seeing some benefits. One of the best benefits was that, girls who were also involved in whatever group I was, would see me at a social event or bar and come up to chat with or hug me, and introduce their friends to me. Not bad, considering that I still barely knew any of these girls, but because we were in a group together, I was accepted by them quickly. Student groups are always a friendly, low-key atmosphere, in which there is no pressure to perform like if you were trying to pick up girls at the bar. Use groups to participate in things you enjoy with other people and also to push your boundaries and develop new interests, getting girls often follows as a result.
What are some good options?
Seriously. Find a club team that is open to both men and women or participate in campus tournaments and leagues. Lots of schools have club swim teams or co-ed volleyball or fitness clubs. They’re all great options to both stay in shape and interact with girls you already have a shared interest with. Find sports you want to learn or might already be interested in. Being a part of a team, creates close bonds very quickly, as you are all working towards the same goal and see one another a few times per week.
I was involved in a volunteer organization for a time on campus, because helping people was something that was really starting to resonate with me. As an added bonus, I was only one of two guys in that group, and those are odds I like.
Not for everyone but they’re not all as they are always portrayed. Some guys are clowns, no matter what circumstances they find themselves in. Other fraternity guys are friendly and cool as hell to hang out with. I rushed a fraternity and got a bid, only, I couldn’t accept due to the fact that I had destroyed my GPA by that point. However, this path, has a built in social network that will guarantee to give you the opportunity to meet plenty of people. Though, it should be noted, you won’t get laid just because you’re in a fraternity, you still have to work on attracting girls.
Although I’ve graduated from college, I still reside in the same city, and use the campus gym to work out because I get a huge discount as an alumni. The funny thing is, I still meet people at the gym and get recognized by current students. Lifting weights or playing basketball, I have seen the same guys over and over again, and as usually happen, you eventually start talking to these people and gain even more acquaintances. Try joining exercise classes or regularly playing pick-up basketball and you will meet plenty of people that you may hang out with.
Alright, I think you get the point about groups. Go out and participate. Don’t try to force your way into cliques, simply be social and learn these basic skills. Some guys make the mistake of trying to learn pick-up lines or some other form of gaming girls and try to utilize these tools to bypass the social scene in college. This is a bad idea because in a college community, word will get around that you’re a weird or creepy guy, which is no fun. What guys need to realize, is that women manifest themselves in your life simply as a byproduct of being social. This is because it allows you to demonstrate your natural attractive qualities and lets the girls who may like you enter your world.
How Do You Get A Girl in Class?
This is one of the biggest questions guys have. The hot girls, you never really see around campus, but have class with. It’s tough to answer in step by step specific terms because there is some much variance in possible situations. I got girls from class (English classes seemed to work really well for some reason) and even dated one for almost a year. All I ever did was to sit next to whatever girl I found attractive and simply talk to her throughout the semester. Not much practical help, is it? I’m sorry but the best ‘game’, that I’ve found that works with women, is to have no game. All of the people saying , “Just be yourself.”, all of these years turned out to be correct, the concept behind it has just been misunderstood.
I will say that the majority of how women become attracted to you starts with your mental state. There is an inner strength and certainty that must be tapped into (I wrote about this in detail here: How to Build Confidence Around Women). I don’t want to go into too much detail here, as I have done so repeatedly on this site, but I will have your dating options explode once you figure out how to apply them to your life.
- Be a man of certainty. Both in yourself but also your values in life. As a man, you have all of the tools you need in life at your disposal, some of these tools just need to be sharpened and enhanced. This doesn’t mean be a cocky prick, it means that you carry yourself with a quiet confidence, as you recognize the only thing you truly have control over is your own faculties and decision making. Let go of all the negative talk and ego protection. Also, recognize a girl will not make you happy, you must find your own happiness from within. (Dealing with Approach Anxiety)
- Be relaxed. This stems from the first point, as once you’re confident that you as a man are already complete, most petty worries seem to float away. Girls are great at picking up on body language and when you relax, they relax, and that is highly important.
- Openness. Being open doesn’t mean sharing every intimate detail about yourself. It means presenting yourself without a front. Stop trying to impress her or act cool. Be genuine.
- Be funny. Laughter is a very contagious and attractive form of expression. Girls love guys who are funny. Don’t force jokes just to entertain her and impress her, do it if it is a part of your personality and a true expression of self.
- Indifference. Understand that any girl can be gotten and also gotten rid of. This doesn’t mean cold and distant, you are still open and engaging as a man BUT, you dictate the terms of your life whether she is there or not. You don’t allow your sexual desire to be taken advantage of and you don’t accept mistreatment simply for the luxury of having a girlfriend. You are willing to walk away from any girl, no matter how attractive, if things are not right. Some women don’t like the results this yields for them but they all respect this in a man.
- Initiative. Take the reins of your life and make decisions about what you want. If you want to talk to a girl, talk to her! You don’t have to ‘pick her up’ or close the deal on the first night but take an interest in her.
Those are some of the most important traits to have as a man in order to be attractive. If you can develop a solid and confident sense of self, you will be so far ahead of the game and most of the rest of getting girls is just meeting them and figuring out logistics. There is also the matter of your physical presentation, perception does matter in terms of attraction. It’s not hard to have good hygiene and a bit of style, here are some posts to help:
I hope that I’ve provided some basic insight into getting a girlfriend in college. This post, is by no means a complete guide, however, there is plenty of information on this site to help put it all together. So much of actually attracting girls is giving yourself a chance to meet plenty of them, having complete confidence as a man, and sharpening your social skills. Sitting in your dorm room or apartment, watching adult films or playing video games, isn’t going to produce results. The girl isn’t going to fall out of the sky. Get your shit straight, improve, have fun, be yourself, and the girls will follow.