There is so much confusion out there on ‘how to get women to think you’re attractive’, that I think most people are missing the point, as to what ‘attractiveness’ is exactly. It’s not always something that you’re simply born with (although, physical attractiveness is based on genetics, but the physical isn’t the whole picture) and there are a whole slew of attractive traits that can be developed over time. In this post, I want to give a quick overview of what attractiveness is and how it can be acquired further.
The cornerstone and the most important thing to understand about attraction, is that it is based on perception. If you can accept the fact that it is based on perception, then you can come to realize that attractiveness is also malleable, it can be changed. What this also means, is that rejection, isn’t really a rejection of ‘you’ but rather, a rejection of the perception of ‘you’ in that moment in time. OK, so what does this all mean? Allow me to break it down into more manageable concepts.
Short-term vs Long-term
One thing to note is that there is actually different types of attraction based on the amount of time spent with a woman. Short-term interactions tend to be much more superficial. Long-term attraction tends to be much more substantive.
Think about it. Approaching a woman in a bar, gives her a limited amount of time and information, from which to make a judgment about who you are and what she can expect from you…which is one reason why so many guys find this style of getting together with women so challenging. It’s very hard for most of us to be able to let go of all of our baggage in the moment and fully express who we are in an attractive way.
However, what if you sat next to the same woman in school for example or you had mutual friends and saw each other over an extended period of time? Over the long haul, your behavior and attractive qualities would revert to the mean…which might be good or bad depending on how attractive you are overall, as a man. Her moods also tend to fall towards the baseline versus the bar scenario, where she might not even be in a talkative mood that night, and you would fail to get her attracted in almost anyway you approached/interacted with her.
Over the long term, she gets many more reference experiences about who you are, and can make a much more qualified decision about whether to date you or not. Your positive and negative qualities start to shine through, and you can’t hide all of these things, like you can in a short interaction at a bar.
It is important to not get all hung up on ‘rejection’ anyways. It’s merely not having the right perception about you, in a given period of time, to spark attraction in that girl’s mind/body. Plus, that woman’s perception about you could be completely shifted, if you interacted with her at another point in time. Sometimes, things just don’t sync up quite right, and it’s best to just move on.
How Perception Works for Attraction
The example that I like to use to demonstrate perception, is that of the celebrity. Let’s say that you have a very high level of skill as a musician or as an actor. Now, let’s say that you are going to a bar alone tonight. Here are two potential scenarios about how that night will play out, based on perception:
In the first scenario, everything about you is the same from the way you walk, dress, talk, etc. as it is in your current reality. But in this scenario, you also have insane musical talent. Like, every song that you create is just amazing. However, you don’t share this music with anyone, and nobody has a clue as to how skilled you truly are. Would you be able to take a woman home that night for sex? Possibly. It depends on other factors such as how well you communicate, look, the logistics, etc.
Now, for scenario #2, let’s say that everything is the same but this time, you actually share your music with the world. In fact, you have the biggest song and album in the country, and everybody knows who you are.
Would you get laid at the bar that night? Of course. The fame and celebrity give you instant qualification with women. You have the highest level of social proof/acceptance that is possible.
Notice, however, that there isn’t anything inherently different about you in either scenario. You have all the same skills, just in one example, those skills are known by everyone. Nothing has changed except the perception of you and yet there are going to be a lot more attractive to women in one scenario versus the other. This should show you how fickle attraction really is. You are the same guy at your core, yet the results would vary wildly.
The celeb example is good to use because it shows the wild disparity of outcomes that are possible, based solely on perception. Of course, fame is like a cheat code that bumps up your social attractiveness to insane levels, and can do all the work for you. However, the same thing holds true on much smaller scales.
Also, having such a high level of fame will mask the other shortcomings of your personality and looks. Yes, celebrity guys can still have shitty ‘game’, get cheated on, and lose women to other guys who have the ability to greatly change the perception about themselves.
Perception is also effected by the environment or medium in which it is presented. Who one s perceived to be is different in a loud club (looks and body language dominate) versus in your day to day life (where people get to experience you on a baseline average) versus something like online dating (which is a representation of you, as if you’re marketing yourself as a product. Much more about looks and selling an image).
The Smaller Scale
Everything about you, factors into how attracted women are going to be to you. In addition to that, each woman will have her own tastes and biological factors that will effect how much or how little attraction she will have towards you. There are so many variables in any given interaction, that trying to feel some type of certainty in the outcome (whether she likes you or not) becomes absurd.
You and I and any other person on Earth is not going to be attractive to everyone, no matter how good looking and famous we might be…it’s just not possible, so don’t take it personally, if someone isn’t into you. There’s like 7 billion people and you can’t please them all.
What you or I can do is to maximize our attractive factors to the best of our abilities. There is a certain percentage of women out there who will be attracted to you and that percentage fluctuates based on how much you can alter their perceptions about you.
So, if I was to become the most famous, physically attractive, best socializing, etc. version of myself…I would hit the highest percentage of women on the planet that I could attract, at a certain age. At that age, I would peak and my powers would fade into my elderly years. This highest percentage is of course theoretical and not even realistic in terms of something to aim for, nor even is it desirable (there’s only so many chicks you can talk to), but it is something to consider in the abstract.
The attractive factors, again, encompass everything about you. You can conceptualize this, as if you were creating a video game character, and there was a sliding scale of attributes. So, your video game character might be a 10 out of 10 in strength, but only a 7 out of 10 in speed. Attributes work in a similar manner in terms of attraction. The higher you can push towards an elite level of any given attribute, the more women will be attracted to you.
For guys with male model looks, that is their elite attribute, the physical. Their face and bodies are almost perfectly aesthetic. Their personalities may be shit (which will cost them in the long run), but they are so elite in this one aspect, that they will still attract plenty of women.
What about guys who don’t have elite looks? Well, the key is then to maximize the looks that you do have and develop other aspects of yourself to an elite (or close to it) level.
Ever seen an average or below average looking guy with a hot woman? I’ve seen plenty. You know how he got her? Other factors beyond looks, most likely personality. You have to understand that: women love guys who supply positive emotions and if you have a high level skill of making people feel really good when they are around you, it becomes like an addiction for them.
Other attributes can be: your social circle/connections, intelligence, humor, sense of style, your lifestyle, career, values, and on and on the list goes.
Why can’t most guys accomplish becoming elite in any given attribute? The same reason as anything else, it takes a lot of fucking work. Whether that work is worth it to you or not, is completely your choice. I don’t personally advocate chasing women or making them the centerpiece of your life but personal development has major impacts in one’s life beyond just dating/attraction. Women eventually just come into your life as a byproduct of becoming an attractive man who excels at what he wants to do.
What to Develop?
The most basic things to change about oneself is you internal state and your external appearance. It’s hard to become elite at socializing, creating a fun energy, etc. if your inner state is so fucked up that you are just constantly riddled with anxiety and fear. How are you going to build a social circle or connections with people, if you can’t even summon up the courage to start a conversation? Socializing is a skill that requires lots of practice and if you can’t practice, you cannot get good at it.
Working on your inner self and letting go of all the hangups you’ve accumulated in life is where I would suggest starting. In fact, this was the biggest turning point in my own life. Once I could let go, I could be free to express who I truly am, without having fear suppress everything. After all, who wants to be around someone who is completely absorbed in their own head/problems?
People’s moods and behaviors in an interaction, tend to move towards the level of the person with the strongest frame/energy level. That’s why a person with intense anger or negativity can completely dominate a room and make everyone feel uncomfortable. The reverse is also true. So, if one can be that guy who creates fun and positive emotion wherever he goes, people will want to be around him, naturally.
Physical appearance is also an easy one to change. How you dress, how much muscle, body fat percentage, hair cut, the colors you wear in terms of your skin tone, etc. All of these factors can effect the level of attractiveness. For example, if I go out tonight in baggy clothes, with my hair all messed up, and wearing a bad shade of color for my complexion…my natural attractiveness is obviously not going to be very high.
Obviously, be able to switch things up, and don’t become too attached to an identity. If losing some weight would help in both dating and your overall health, why remain attached to an identity as a ‘fat guy’? That is not ‘who you are’. Fat is simply stored energy, not a story to wrap ourselves up in emotionally, so let it go. Who we are both biologically and our mental constructs are in constant flux, anyways.
Other attributes, such as the ability to socialize and attract people at a high level, takes a lot more time and effort. Results will not come overnight. After all, if your conditioned way of being took your entire life to develop, how can you expect to completely change in short order?
Personal growth isn’t easy, nor is it comfortable. It is like constantly walking on the edge of what is possible and expanding your comfort zone a little bit at a time. Dramatic change is possible but it takes so much effort and discomfort, that most people will simply quit somewhere along the journey…which is fine, but complaining about not getting what you wanted, should then be off limits to you.
The best way to tackle becoming more attractive and developing yourself is by working on something each day. The little things start to add up, from healthy meal decisions to forcing yourself to go out and meet new people. The results pile on as time moves forward, eventually creating a strong perception of you as an attractive guy. The question is, will you change or keep falling back into old patterns?