When a relationship ends it becomes very easy to second-guess the results, play Monday morning quarterback and convince yourself that had you only done this differently, she would have stayed. Maybe your reasoning rings true but the past has already gone and you find yourself in the position you are in now. It is a matter of fact in dating, that you will have an ex-girlfriend that you will want to get back from another guy or have her want you back when she has already moved on with her life. The situations are various i.e. she broke up with you (see: Following the No Contact Rule) or perhaps you broke up with her and now regret the decision to do so. Regardless of what the circumstances were, you now have the compulsive feeling to do something like make her jealous of you or to win her back fast and have things go back to the way they were. When it all boils down to the base of your desires, can you honestly say that you want her to come back? Or is it really less about the actual relationship and more about your own ego clamoring to have what it has lost? For this post, I want to help you consider what it could actually mean to want to get back together with your ex-girlfriend, and that in most cases you end up chasing something that no longer exists because you feel bad or think it will make your life better.
I’m against getting back with your ex in most cases but if you still want her back, here is a program to help you with that. More information towards the bottom of this post.
When you’re in the mode of thought that you are certain that you want to rekindle a relationship with your ex, I know that those feelings can be immensely powerful and completely consume your thoughts. I’ve been in the same spot you have, as well as countless other guys, and the thing is that if you move on these thoughts tend to move on as well. It is really incredible how things completely change, if you add the ingredient of moving on and combining it with time. Girls who you convince yourself are your one and only, eventually fall from thought and you begin to question what was so special about them in the first place.
If you have recently broken up with your girlfriend, you really need to take some time to get your mind right before you make any decisions (Moving on From Your Ex-Girlfriend). A decision based on emotion is generally a poor one and can have you wondering what it is you were thinking once you’ve healed your heart. If you are a guy who still clamors for a girl he dated a long time ago, seriously move the fuck on. She wasn’t the idyllic flower you make her out to be in your mind and thinking so is going to make every other girl you meet, pale in comparison, thus screwing up your future dating prospects. You can’t be one of these guys who goes through life on some Great Gatsby type quest to get back his true love, who turns out to be a spoiled child, and not a woman worthy of loving.
See Things As They Are
Idealization and nostalgia about the past creep into your thoughts and cloud your judgment about what you truly want out of your life. It’s just like when older people think back to the ‘good old days’ when ‘things just worked better’, conveniently leaving out all of the things that sucked during that time period. Think back on your relationship with your ex-girlfriend honestly, take off the rose colored glasses, and ask yourself was it really that great? Your girlfriend might have been cool, but is there really not one more woman out of the 4 billion or so on this planet that could be an improvement? Did she cheat on you (don’t be a chump and try to get her back)? What were the honest faults of the relationship? (Signs a Relationship is Over)
Stop idealizing that things were all good, because they weren’t. If your girlfriend dumped you and you still think that things were going ‘really great’, trust me, they weren’t. She dropped you for a reason. You may just be completely oblivious. Keep in mind that nothing in life stays the same and really things aren’t supposed to. People change. You or your girlfriend changed enough for the relationship to be over. That is a major reason why reconciliation isn’t always such a good idea, as the personalities and circumstances that once had the two of you in love have shifted and aren’t going back to the way things used to be.
“Time is like a river made up of the events which happen, and a violent stream; for as soon as a thing has been seen, it is carried away, and another comes in its place, and this will be carried away too.” –Marcus Aurelius
Break the Dependency Cycle
It’s no secret that love is like a drug. There have been published studies that show a striking similarity in the effects on the brain between someone who is in love and someone with an addiction. It feels so terrible after a break-up because you aren’t getting your fix. You have conditioned yourself while in a relationship with your girlfriend to expect certain things and when they happened you get a positive flood of emotions. Now that she is gone those stimuli aren’t being provided which makes you feel really down.
In essence, you may have relied on her to provide you with feelings of happiness, ignoring the fact that happiness (if such a term is valid) must come from within. Any time you rely solely on external influences whether they be people, drugs, food, or whatever to fuel your positive emotions you are going to experience a severe crash when they are suddenly taken away. If you are still hurting after a break-up, you should strongly consider a no-contact or if you can’t totally avoid her, an extremely limited contact policy with this girl. In order to start to let go of the past you have to let fresh wounds heal a bit, which is hard to do if you constantly talk to the person you desire most.
“…look to your own means, leave everything that isn’t yours alone. Make use of what material advantages you have, don’t regret the ones you were not allowed. If any of them is recalled, let go of them willingly, grateful for the time you had to enjoy them—unless you want to be like a child crying for her nurse or mother. After all, what difference does it make what a person is enslaved to, and cannot live without? You’re no different from a teenager mooning over a girl when you ache for your familiar haunts, your club, your old gang of friends and former way of life.”- Epictetus
Stop Being Afraid
Yes, underneath all of this longing for your ex-girlfriend lies a great deal of fear. If you are in a state of loneliness right now (How to Stop Feeling Lonely), your fear may be that you will end up alone or not find a girl as good as your ex. Both fears are unfounded. At some point in time, we all end up alone, but your life doesn’t have to be resigned to dating failures and pangs for the one who ‘got away’. You have to decide that you’re going to live the life that you want, you will improve yourself, and find other women who will fit with who you are and who you want to be in the future.
If you are trying to get your ex-girlfriend back from another guy, your ego is once again rearing its ugly head. Your deep seated fear may be that he is better than you and thus your value is lowered. You may want some revenge on your ex, which is your ego showing itself in the form of pride. This type of fear also shows up in guys who want to make their exes jealous of them post-break up. There is this bizarre idea of one person winning after a break up, based on whether they have upgraded or downgraded in terms of their next partners or current lifestyles. It is really just shallow nonsense and you do not have to and should not play these games. (Lucid Dreaming for life improvement)
You can’t hide from these fears by masking over them. If you’re in pain, let yourself feel it, don’t overreact to it but definitely don’t cover it up either. It’s okay to be hurt after a relationship. You can feel betrayed, disappointed, jealous, or any other feeling but the key is to not get bogged down in them for too long. Ultimately, you are responsible for letting things continue to bother and hurt you. There needs to come a time where you let go these negative feelings and focus on the life you still have to lead. (Shift towards something more constructive like a new workout or creating art).
“The true man is revealed in difficult times. So when trouble comes, think of yourself as a wrestler whom God, like a trainer, has paired with a tough young buck. For what purpose? To turn you into Olympic-class material. But this is going to take some sweat to accomplish.”-Epictetus
What has Really Changed?
Some thing or many things caused an end to your relationship. Let’s say that you do get back together with your ex-girlfriend, what has changed for the better? Did the time apart fix your issues? Doubtful. Are you both on the same page as to what those issues were? If not it’s going to be a really tough go. The simple truth may be that the two of you drifted too far from the original path you met on and now are heading in diverging directions. Don’t go back to an ex-girlfriend simply because you thought she was the best girl you’ve dated and now your options seem limited. That’s just lazy and quite frankly unfair to the both of you. Most relationships you have aren’t going to work out, learn from the mistakes and apply them with your future girls. Repeating a past mistake isn’t going to correct it, so be completely honest and clear-headed with your decision.
If You Really Still Want Her Back…
Some guys find that even after they’ve prepared themselves emotionally to move on and had other women in their lives, they still believe that she was the right fit for them.
If it’s the case that you’re in a good spot emotionally, and you still feel like she is the one, perhaps you consider a program to help rekindle things between the two of you. The Magic of Making Up is a full ebook program designed to assist in mending broken relationships. Over 50,000 people have given it a try, visit here to read successful user testimonials and further information about making up with your ex. Here is a brief video presentation from the book’s author:
The Magic of Making Up, comes with a full 60-day money back guarantee. So, if you are so inclined to try it out, there’s nothing to lose!
If you’re reading this post, I know that you may be really gung-ho at the moment to get your ex back. Yes, you might call her or send her a text and then she comes over and things seem really great….but then what? Chances are she has moved on, either emotionally or physically with another guy. Accept it. It’ll hurt like hell but just get through the pain. I’ve had girls that I’ve wanted back too and girls who wanted me back, in neither case was it really a good option for both parties and if it’s not good for the both of you then it simply won’t work. It’s difficult at times to get through that emotional hailstorm but it does eventually pass and you meet new girls who take the place of old memories. If you think you want to pursue your ex-girlfriend, ask yourself do I really want to or am I just being emotional?