There seems to be a proliferation of inexperienced guys out there, who truly believe that you have to be the best looking guy or filthy rich or have whatever else in order to get women interested. While these things can indeed be useful, they’re often only part of the equation. Are you a guy who is ugly or are you considered unattractive? Maybe or maybe it’s all in your head. Either way you shouldn’t let limiting beliefs stand in your way of having relationships with the girls that you desire. In this post, I want to help to dispel the myths and help you to see a path towards getting the girlfriend you want even if you’re physically unattractive. Yes, it is possible and I’ve seen ugly guys with incredibly hot women on plenty of occasions, so it can indeed be done. Let’s get into how to go about making it happen.
What Physical Attractiveness Is
Being physically attractive is basically like having a really good resume on a job hunt. It will get you offers right away but it’s mostly good for getting interviews. Is physical attractiveness an advantage? Absolutely. However, that advantage is only as good as the person behind it. For instance, there are plenty of guys who girls have an instant physical attraction to, who are utterly terrible with women. They sometimes luck into getting a girl but if they had any personality or skill, they would have so many more opportunities.
What all of that should tell you about men’s looks in terms of getting women is that it is only part of the picture. It is a way to get a woman’s attention, not her undying commitment. The thing about genuine attraction is that it occurs over time, which is why people often end up dating the people they work with or are involved in some other group with. So, the more time you spend with a woman the less your physical appearance tends to matter. Now, this doesn’t mean you can be a complete slob with poor hygiene, extremely awkward, rude, dress badly, etc. and land a girl who is always around you. It simply means that, your personality will have a chance to shine and captivate her if you can present it well.
Notice that attraction in terms of the initial interaction with women occurs on different levels. First, there is what I’ll call the superficial/societal level of interaction, that being the realm of looks, social status, etc. Another level is the one of sub communication, which is expressed through body language and can often be dictated by your own internal state (how you feel about yourself or the situation). Nervous people tend to fidget and stumble on their words while confident people have an air of control and relaxation, the latter compels attraction while the former repels it.
Also, note that every woman has a different preference towards men. Just because a girl is gorgeous doesn’t mean that she is shallow or stuck up. In fact, there are plenty of unattractive women who act stuck up because they are afraid of getting rejected. You must understand, however, that really attractive girls have lots of options, so at the end of the day, it’s more about separating yourself from the pack than your looks. The hottest girls don’t always date the best looking guys, even though they could. This is because looks are not the only determining factor. While this is true, there are still girls out there to whom looks are pretty much the deciding factor, at least for sex. If that’s how she chooses to go about things, then who the hell cares? There are literally billions of females on this planet, why get so caught up on one with such little depth?
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Exploring the world of dating and so-called Pick-up Artistry, through the lens of the mind. Game without Games, from attractyourdevelopment.com, eschews traditional pickup advice and gets down to the core concepts of self including: fear, truth, connection, and desire. Taken from the author’s own personal experience in approaching, attracting, and dating women from age eighteen through his twenties, this book strips away all of the tips and tactics of the PUA community. Instead, this book focuses on personal development and cultivating what the ancient Stoic philosophers referred to as the internal.
With a greater inner strength and by focusing on developing one’s life in totality, attraction occurs naturally by becoming a ‘desirable man’. Game then is about expressing of oneself and exploring who she is, instead of trying to remember lame pick-up lines or tricks and tactics to get laid. Things become natural and flow from the relaxed and confident state of the man. He has control of his mental faculties and thus can accept life and social interactions on his own terms. Not chasing women or putting up with disrespect or other nonsense.
If you want to learn how to talk to girls, in a step by step format…go elsewhere. However, if you want to explore the mental side of game and the letting go of pickup dogma, Game without Game might be the book for you.
Access, Time, and Socialization
If any physical type of girl can become attracted to a guy by getting to know him over time, it stands to reason that what most guys are primarily lacking is access to women. Girls who do modeling are not a different species, they simply run in a different social circle than most guys do. There are countless stories of photographers landing top models because the attraction was allowed to happen naturally. The founder of Penthouse magazine, who also did the photography, was famously hounded by the women who posed for him. Why? His attractive attributes were on full display during the photo shoots and drove these women wild.
It’s kind of hard to get a girlfriend if you’re never around women, as you lack both access and the ability to spend time with them. The obvious solution to this problem is to go out and socialize more. But, but….I’m bad at socializing with people, especially women. Well, of course you are, you wouldn’t be seeking advice if you weren’t. The good news is that you can become really good at interacting with women through practice. The bad news (if you’re lazy or make excuses) is that there is no way around this; you have to put yourself out there, face your anxieties, and be willing to take rejection head on. If you’re not willing to do this, you are resigning yourself to the same dating/social life you currently have (very little to none). I had to do it and so have thousands upon thousands of other men throughout history. No advice can help you if you aren’t going to help yourself.
Dating Environments that are Most Conducive
Physical attractiveness plays a bigger role in getting women depending on the environment. For example, online dating is based almost entirely on pictures. If you’re pictures suck, the responses get fewer and fewer. That’s not to say you couldn’t screw it up in the text messaging portion, however, if you decide to do online dating be sure to have great pictures.
Here are some posts I wrote for online dating:
Bars and nightclubs can also be meat markets, though to a somewhat lesser degree than online. At bars and nightclubs, if you have the right confidence and social skills, you can definitely see success. You’ll still get rejected plenty, it’s just that you have a better shot to win girls over with a great personality. You have one of those, right?
As I wrote before, attraction takes place over time, and if you can meet girls in places where you have plenty of time (weeks or months) to interact with them, your odds rise considerably. Different types of classes, groups, and activities are good places to meet girls (How to Meet Girls After College). This doesn’t guarantee that you get girls, if you really do suck socially, you’re best bet is to just talk to people (without an agenda…stop trying to hook up with every girl) and figure out the basics of social interaction. Of course you can experiment and see what works but you need to get comfortable expressing yourself and learn how to present yourself properly.
Cultivate the External
I’m not here to try and sell you on looks not mattering at all, they do. It’s just that the degree to which they do, occurs on a personal level for the girl depending on her tastes and preferences. So, if you’re to improve your odds of getting a girlfriend you must improve your appearance. You may never have the same ability to get girls with your looks as a male model but you can maximize what you have to work with.
Now, the stubborn among you might be asking yourself, “Why do I have to change my looks? Can’t I just be who I am?” Yes, you can be who you are. However, the idea is to present the best version of yourself visually because it can make a huge difference. Don’t believe me? Google pictures of girls with and without make up and witness how powerful illusion can be. The girl you might be tripping over probably is pretty hot but she definitely enhances what she has to the maximum.
It’s not that difficult or even expensive to dress better than 90+% of guys. Seriously. The most important factors with clothes are how they fit and how the colors interact with one another and your skin tone. If you can get that down, the rest is just details and personalization. I wrote about basic style here.
I’ve gone out to bars wearing $10-20 shirts and have gotten specific comments from girls about how good I look. Why? The clothes fit my body well and I had great color coordination. Wearing the wrong color for your skin tone can make you look a lot worse, it is a really important factor.
Hair is pretty simple, keep it clean and have a style that is manageable plus looks good on you. Skin can be a major problem for a lot of people, in terms of their looks. Acne needs to be treated and I can’t really suggest a treatment for you, as everyone reacts well to different medications, but try to get it take care of to the best of your ability. Also, if you’ve got dry skin, put on some damn lotion, man!
Teeth, body hair, personal hygiene, and scent. I shouldn’t have to explain to you that you need to take a shower, brush your teeth, etc. Trimming your body hair can be important when hooking up with a girl or if you’re at the beach and want to look your best. A great cologne, can get you many complements, and have girls wanting to stay around you once you have them hooked a bit: Best Colognes for Men
Get in Shape
Yes, working out can have a tremendous impact on your initial attractiveness, here is more posts about that:
Cultivate the Internal
Improving the external will help you capture their attention visually, however, it kind of loses its power if you don’t have the internal fortitude to back it up. All too often we fall back into conditioned patterns instead of attempting to change the status of our lives. Why? Change is tough. In order to be who people always have told you are and what your own mental narrative says you are is easy.
If you feel like you’re a loser or ugly or whatever, then you can always seek out things in your environment that confirms your suspicions. Is that all you have to be or can be? Nope. If you’re feeling down because you’ve never had a girlfriend or even just a kiss/hookup, let me explain to you that you’re definitely not alone. I get thousands of guys a month here that are just like you. Hell, I was just like you. I didn’t get a girl until after high school and I got girls eventually because I faced my fears and forced myself to get better. I got rejected countless times, kept trying, and then I started to have girls in my life.
The most important thing I learned through all of that was that even when I had multiple girls around or relationships, none of that made me happy. It was cool and all for a while but it actually ended up making me even more depressed. I had to learn the hard way that if I’m not happy with myself nothing is going to make me happy and that my confidence can’t be based on how the external environment reacts to me, I need to be centered all on my own.
I’ve written about all of this in depth, so I’m keeping this brief and will link you to further reading. However, learning how to get out of my own head, have confidence, and be able to take rejection without fear, helped me to make massive gains in life quality. A trick I used to get me to approach girls, when I first started out was to think about the world at large instead of myself. I thought about the context of my situation, I was one of billions of humans in history, living on a tiny rock that flies around a big star in a galaxy with billions of other stars…me getting rejected was not important in the grand scheme of things. We focus so much on our selves, people’s perceptions, and protecting our own ego that we lose sight of the fact that talking to girls isn’t a very big deal. I mean, I’m a man and she’s a woman, we’re kind of built for this.
More Posts to Cultivate the Internal:
Please take the time to read the other posts that I’ve linked on this one because I think that they may really help you out. Being physically unattractive isn’t necessarily a deal breaker for women, for some it definitely might be, but there’s nothing you can really do about that. If you truly want to get better with women you have to be able to cultivate yourself, present yourself, and risk putting yourself out there. It can definitely be done, ugly dudes throughout history have gotten laid, and things are no different now.