Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back

When a relationship ends it becomes very easy to second-guess the results, play Monday morning quarterback and convince yourself that had you only done this differently, she would have stayed. Maybe your reasoning rings true but the past has already gone and you find yourself in the position you are in now. It is a matter of fact in dating, that you will have an ex-girlfriend that you will want to get back from another guy or have her want you back when she has already moved on with her life. The situations are various i.e. she broke up with you (see: Following the No Contact Rule) or perhaps you broke up with her and now regret the decision to do so. Regardless of what the circumstances were, you now have the compulsive feeling to do something like make her jealous of you or to win her back fast and have things go back to the way they were.  When it all boils down to the base of your desires, can you honestly say that you want her to come back? Or is it really less about the actual relationship and more about your own ego clamoring to have what it has lost? For this post, I want to help you consider what it could actually mean to want to get back together with your ex-girlfriend, and that in most cases you end up chasing something that no longer exists because you feel bad or think it will make your life better.

I’m against getting back with your ex in most cases but if you still want her back, here is a program to help you with that. More information towards the bottom of this post.

When you’re in the mode of thought that you are certain that you want to rekindle a relationship with your ex, I know that those feelings can be immensely powerful and completely consume your thoughts. I’ve been in the same spot you have, as well as countless other guys, and the thing is that if you move on these thoughts tend to move on as well. It is really incredible how things completely change, if you add the ingredient of moving on and combining it with time. Girls who you convince yourself are your one and only, eventually fall from thought and you begin to question what was so special about them in the first place.

If you have recently broken up with your girlfriend, you really need to take some time to get your mind right before you make any decisions (Moving on From Your Ex-Girlfriend). A decision based on emotion is generally a poor one and can have you wondering what it is you were thinking once you’ve healed your heart. If you are a guy who still clamors for a girl he dated a long time ago, seriously move the fuck on. She wasn’t the idyllic flower you make her out to be in your mind and thinking so is going to make every other girl you meet, pale in comparison, thus screwing up your future dating prospects. You can’t be one of these guys who goes through life on some Great Gatsby type quest to get back his true love, who turns out to be a spoiled child, and not a woman worthy of loving.

See Things As They Are

Idealization and nostalgia about the past creep into your thoughts and cloud your judgment about what you truly want out of your life. It’s just like when older people think back to the ‘good old days’ when ‘things just worked better’, conveniently leaving out all of the things that sucked during that time period. Think back on your relationship with your ex-girlfriend honestly, take off the rose colored glasses, and ask yourself was it really that great? Your girlfriend might have been cool, but is there really not one more woman out of the 4 billion or so on this planet that could be an improvement? Did she cheat on you (don’t be a chump and try to get her back)? What were the honest faults of the relationship? (Signs a Relationship is Over)

Stop idealizing that things were all good, because they weren’t. If your girlfriend dumped you and you still think that things were going ‘really great’, trust me, they weren’t. She dropped you for a reason. You may just be completely oblivious. Keep in mind that nothing in life stays the same and really things aren’t supposed to. People change. You or your girlfriend changed enough for the relationship to be over. That is a major reason why reconciliation isn’t always such a good idea, as the personalities and circumstances that once had the two of you in love have shifted and aren’t going back to the way things used to be.

“Time is like a river made up of the events which happen, and a violent stream; for as soon as a thing has been seen, it is carried away, and another comes in its place, and this will be carried away too.” –Marcus Aurelius

Break the Dependency Cycle

It’s no secret that love is like a drug. There have been published studies that show a striking similarity in the effects on the brain between someone who is in love and someone with an addiction. It feels so terrible after a break-up because you aren’t getting your fix. You have conditioned yourself while in a relationship with your girlfriend to expect certain things and when they happened you get a positive flood of emotions. Now that she is gone those stimuli aren’t being provided which makes you feel really down.

In essence, you may have relied on her to provide you with feelings of happiness, ignoring the fact that happiness (if such a term is valid) must come from within. Any time you rely solely on external influences whether they be people, drugs, food, or whatever to fuel your positive emotions you are going to experience a severe crash when they are suddenly taken away. If you are still hurting after a break-up, you should strongly consider a no-contact or if you can’t totally avoid her, an extremely limited contact policy with this girl. In order to start to let go of the past you have to let fresh wounds heal a bit, which is hard to do if you constantly talk to the person you desire most.

“…look to your own means, leave everything that isn’t yours alone. Make use of what material advantages you have, don’t regret the ones you were not allowed. If any of them is recalled, let go of them willingly, grateful for the time you had to enjoy them—unless you want to be like a child crying for her nurse or mother. After all, what difference does it make what a person is enslaved to, and cannot live without? You’re no different from a teenager mooning over a girl when you ache for your familiar haunts, your club, your old gang of friends and former way of life.”- Epictetus

Stop Being Afraid

Yes, underneath all of this longing for your ex-girlfriend lies a great deal of fear. If you are in a state of loneliness right now (How to Stop Feeling Lonely), your fear may be that you will end up alone or not find a girl as good as your ex. Both fears are unfounded. At some point in time, we all end up alone, but your life doesn’t have to be resigned to dating failures and pangs for the one who ‘got away’. You have to decide that you’re going to live the life that you want, you will improve yourself, and find other women who will fit with who you are and who you want to be in the future.

If you are trying to get your ex-girlfriend back from another guy, your ego is once again rearing its ugly head. Your deep seated fear may be that he is better than you and thus your value is lowered. You may want some revenge on your ex, which is your ego showing itself in the form of pride. This type of fear also shows up in guys who want to make their exes jealous of them post-break up. There is this bizarre idea of one person winning after a break up, based on whether they have upgraded or downgraded in terms of their next partners or current lifestyles. It is really just shallow nonsense and you do not have to and should not play these games. (Lucid Dreaming for life improvement)

You can’t hide from these fears by masking over them. If you’re in pain, let yourself feel it, don’t overreact to it but definitely don’t cover it up either. It’s okay to be hurt after a relationship. You can feel betrayed, disappointed, jealous, or any other feeling but the key is to not get bogged down in them for too long. Ultimately, you are responsible for letting things continue to bother and hurt you. There needs to come a time where you let go these negative feelings and focus on the life you still have to lead. (Shift towards something more constructive like a new workout or creating art).

“The true man is revealed in difficult times. So when trouble comes, think of yourself as a wrestler whom God, like a trainer, has paired with a tough young buck. For what purpose? To turn you into Olympic-class material. But this is going to take some sweat to accomplish.”-Epictetus

What has Really Changed?

Some thing or many things caused an end to your relationship. Let’s say that you do get back together with your ex-girlfriend, what has changed for the better? Did the time apart fix your issues? Doubtful. Are you both on the same page as to what those issues were? If not it’s going to be a really tough go. The simple truth may be that the two of you drifted too far from the original path you met on and now are heading in diverging directions. Don’t go back to an ex-girlfriend simply because you thought she was the best girl you’ve dated and now your options seem limited. That’s just lazy and quite frankly unfair to the both of you. Most relationships you have aren’t going to work out, learn from the mistakes and apply them with your future girls. Repeating a past mistake isn’t going to correct it, so be completely honest and clear-headed with your decision.

If You Really Still Want Her Back…

Some guys find that even after they’ve prepared themselves emotionally to move on and had other women in their lives, they still believe that she was the right fit for them.

If it’s the case that you’re in a good spot emotionally, and you still feel like she is the one, perhaps you consider a program to help rekindle things between the two of you. The Magic of Making Up is a full ebook program designed to assist in mending broken relationships. Over 50,000 people have given it a try, visit here to read successful user testimonials and further information about making up with your ex. Here is a brief  video presentation from the book’s author:

The Magic of Making Up, comes with a full 60-day money back guarantee. So, if you are so inclined to try it out, there’s nothing to lose!

Conclusion

If you’re reading this post, I know that you may be really gung-ho at the moment to get your ex back. Yes, you might call her or send her a text and then she comes over and things seem really great….but then what? Chances are she has moved on, either emotionally or physically with another guy. Accept it. It’ll hurt like hell but just get through the pain. I’ve had girls that I’ve wanted back too and girls who wanted me back, in neither case was it really a good option for both parties and if it’s not good for the both of you then it simply won’t work. It’s difficult at times to get through that emotional hailstorm but it does eventually pass and you meet new girls who take the place of old memories. If you think you want to pursue your ex-girlfriend, ask yourself do I really want to or am I just being emotional?

It is a common feeling amongst people after a break up or a change in their lives that takes them away from their usual social group (graduating from high school or college for example) to have feelings of loneliness. Having feelings of loneliness isn’t necessarily always a bad thing, sometimes, it can spark reflection in our lives and make us want to take action to create positive energy. Loneliness becomes a problem when it is chronic and ongoing in our lives. Every experience in our day to day world simply gets worse and our focus on the now goes out the window because we are fixated on what our mind feels like were better days. I’m sure times in the past have been wonderful or that you see other people who look like they are having a great time and you wish that you could feel the same. However, this mindset is a trap that can make you sink further and further away from the present moment and moving forward and instead sulk in a miserable limbo. In this post, I want to delve into what I think loneliness is and how I ultimately deal with and overcome it.

The first thing we need to cover in our exploration into loneliness is to simply address what loneliness exactly is. Is loneliness being alone? No. Loneliness is often conflated with being alone when the two are truly separate concepts. Now, the usual portrayal of a lonely person is someone who is by themselves and has really poor body language and a terrible emotional state. Ok, it is true that if you are alone you may also be lonely but it is not a prerequisite. Being alone is just that, a state of being. I am currently sitting in my room typing this article. I am alone but I am not lonely. There is another person right now, at the same time as me, surrounded by other people (friends, family) who feels the pangs of utter loneliness.  This is a really simple idea but I truly want you to understand that you being alone is NOT the cause of your loneliness, it may be symptomatic but it is not the root cause.

Another thing that I have thought about loneliness is the fact that it is not an emotion in itself. To me, loneliness is sort of a combination of other emotions like sadness, that come together and form this Voltron like state we call loneliness. This was an important idea for me to realize because once I recognized that loneliness was based on emotional states, I knew that I could overcome it. Emotions are very malleable things, you can change your emotions almost instantly. Have you ever felt kind of down and then listened to some inspirational speech and then felt a flood of positive emotions? It’s an awesome experience and a simple example of the quick turnarounds that can be made in our emotions. If loneliness is indeed rooted within our emotions then we should have a clear path towards dealing with and ultimately overcoming it.

For purposes of this post, I am going to use the example of dealing with loneliness after you break up with your girlfriend (see: Getting Over Your Ex Fast). Your own personal loneliness may have different triggers and other root problems to deal with but this is going to be a general break down of these ideas. Whether you were the person who ended the relationship or you were the one who got dumped and didn’t see it coming, break ups tend to cause emotions such as sadness and anger as well as feelings of longing, idealization, helplessness, and desperation. It is perfectly natural to feel this way and despite your ability to shift emotional states almost instantaneously, it is going to be a longer process to make the shift from a majority of your day involving negative emotional states versus you feeling good throughout the day.

Love and relationships can create a sort of dependency or addiction that gets focused on a person or feeling instead of a narcotic drug or other obsession. This dependency and the ensuing loneliness seems to be the result of feedback that has been habitual in your life. For instance, if you are used to your girlfriend sending you text messages throughout the day, when she stops after the break up, it feels like there is something missing. What is missing is the usual feedback you are used to receiving. Nothing positive or anything at all has replaced that feedback and so you experience negative emotions or you replace it with negative habits such as trying to text her when the relationship is clearly over (see: Follow the No Contact Rule). You are essentially expecting something to happen each day that has ended and as soon as you can begin to alter your expectations the sooner you can get past the loneliness.

If you just had a eureka moment and said to yourself, “Ok, great. All I have to do is find a new girlfriend or group of people and the lack of feedback will be fulfilled. My loneliness will be over.” Sorry, but that is the wrong path. In that instance, all you are doing is creating a new cycle of dependency on other people and as soon as that person or group of people no longer provides that positive feedback you will be right back where you are now. I’m not saying that it is a bad idea to meet new girls and other new people, that’s great, but I am saying that your positive state of mind cannot be dependent on other people’s presence or actions. If that is the case, you will always be a slave to your emotions because you have opted out of controlling them yourself.

***I’m against getting back with your ex in most cases but if you still want her back, here is a program to help you with that.***

Getting rid of loneliness comes as a result of exploration of the self (See: Lucid Dreaming). You have to get your internal state handled and then all of the external things that enhance your life experience (girlfriends, friends, new experiences) can fall into line. If you are completely alone, you must know that this is not in itself a negative state, you are not in state where you are being deprived of good feelings. It is this narrative that we tend to create in our heads that can be so destructive and cause us to wallow in loneliness for long stretches of time. We love stories and we tend to replay the same patterns or memories in our heads over and over again. Of course, you are going to feel lonely if you are telling yourself how awesome your life was when she was around and how nothing good will happen afterwards because you are so helpless and alone. If you are saying the same damn thing to yourself every single day and every single day you feel lonely then you are going to start believing the fact that you really are lonely and just accept it as a new way of life.

This type of thinking can steer you way off course from where you truly want to go in life. You start doing anything just to mask the feelings of loneliness by trying to sleep with as many women as possible or doing drugs or whatever else. If you have a narrative about your life, especially a negative one, it is like writing a script. Once you create a story world there are a limited number of options as to where the story can lead because you’ve established certain rules within that story that the characters must follow. Don’t back yourself into a corner where you feel your only options are masking the problem or just wallowing within your own pity, take action to face it and eventually solve it. Not dealing with it in the right way will push you to seek the more external solutions and maybe you keep replacing girlfriends thinking that one will eventually make you a completely person when in reality all that you are doing is ignoring your own internal development and never satisfying that lack you feel inside.

There needs to be a sense of responsibility for the way you feel. If you are currently lonely, it is not someone else’s fault for making it so. I know, I know, you ‘hate’ your ex for making you feel this way but you need to own up to the fact that it is you who let these feelings persist. In fact, maybe you should appreciate them for allowing these negative emotions you’ve been hiding to surface so that you can now focus on loosening their grip on your life. It is our fault for not taking control of our own lives and allowing the space in our lives where we used to have positive feedback and allowing them to be filled with these negative emotions instead of moving forward towards what we truly want for ourselves. The more you disengage from the notion that your good feelings are dependent on things or people external of you, the more you can exercise your independence and cultivate positive moods from within.

In my own life, when I have had these feelings of loneliness I tried to resolve them with the external at first. However, as I grew up I learned that I needed to stop idealizing my past life and the great people I had met and spent time with and instead shifted towards making myself happy first. After a break up, you usually have at least one positive from that situation and that is more free time to focus on other things. I will say to myself, “Hey! I have lots of time now and we can either wallow or we can focus on dealing with these emotions and then introducing new positives into my life in order to grow and move past this negativity.” It’s really almost just changing my interpretation of the situation from ‘oh no my girlfriend left me, I’m going to be alone forever’ into seeing it as a new opportunity to explore. I like to start by filling the extra time with a block, maybe an hour or so, where I just think about things and try understand what I am feeling. Other days, I may take that hour and go for a walk or workout (see: Cutting Workout) while listening to motivational speeches or podcasts to help boost me out of my shallow thinking and mood.

Flip the loneliness from a negative into a call for action. You feel terrible and so you need to make changes in your life to feel better than you ever had. Remember, you are missing feedback so you must address that as well. Positive feedback can come from new hobbies and things like meeting new people. I like to keep flooding myself with positive experiences because it helps me to heal faster and get back on the correct path. I handle my internal issues but I also try to make my external life as enjoyable as I can thus creating new cycles of positive feedback but not allowing myself to be exclusively dependent on them for my happiness. Positivity breeds positivity, so pursuing new activities and meeting new people can serve as a sort of relief from the loneliness but it is not a cure, just a tool to help you cope until you sort through what is causing your bad emotions.

For help with Socializing and Finding New Girls, see:

• How to Talk to Girls When You’re Shy/Awkward
• Building Self-Confidence with Women
• Talking to Girls at College Parties (with Examples)
• Online Dating Guide for Men
• Do you Want to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back?

If You Really Still Want Her Back…

Some guys find that even after they’ve prepared themselves emotionally to move on and had other women in their lives, they still believe that she was the right fit for them.

If it’s the case that you’re in a good spot emotionally and you still feel like she is the one, perhaps you consider a program to help rekindle things between the two of you. The Magic of Making Up is a full ebook program designed to assist in mending broken relationships. Over 50,000 people have given it a try, visit here to read successful user testimonials and further information about making up with your ex. Here is a brief  video presentation from the book’s author:

The Magic of Making Up, comes with a full 60-day money back guarantee. So, if you are so inclined  to try it out, there’s nothing to lose!

Loneliness is a terrible trap to fall in to. You start to believe all of the negative things that your mind is telling yourself and so it just becomes a situation that spirals out of control. In order to pull yourself out of it you must face and deal with your emotions head on. Explore who you are, what you want, and what your true values are independent of anyone else. You have conditioned yourself to feel loneliness because you have either established a dependency on another person or situation or have just failed to cultivate who you really are. Get in touch with your true self and forge a new path that is built on inner strength and confidence. Don’t shut yourself out from the world but rather seek to establish new bonds and new activities to fill the empty space that your old feedback cycles have left behind. Things external to yourself are out of your hands but your internal well-being and happiness is based on you and you alone. Relationships are great to have but their foundations are made of sand if both people are not happy with themselves.