Everyone has different sets of standards for various areas in their lives but often times it seems that many guys only have two sets of standards when interacting with women:
- She is hot.
- She’s the best that I can do.
This kind of mindset can be killer when you are approaching women for many reasons. First, if your only criteria for approaching a girl is that she is hot, as soon as you’ve approached her the screening is done, and she automatically qualifies. This leads to you not really paying attention to who she is, which leads to not forging a connection, which just makes it harder on your chances of getting the girl to go out with you or whatever. Also, the interaction will shift from one of expression and exploration (which I wrote about here) to one in which you are basically selling yourself and trying to prove yourself worthy to her. Why shouldn’t she be demonstrating the ideal attributes you would like a woman to have?
On the flipside of the girl qualifying to be in your life by the virtue of her physical appearance alone, there is the train of thought that you should take what you can get instead of trying for what you want. In this mindset, there are defined and unbreakable leagues of people ranked based on their physical appearance alone. This is a horseshit way to look at human interaction. Yes, looks can help determine how you are treated but the negative attitude and self-defeating belief cycles only serve to reinforce these outcomes. I remember back in school, when I was a pretty chubby kid, learning after the fact that certain girls had liked me when we had classes together. At the time, this sort of blew my mind because I thought that I wasn’t good looking enough to land these cute girls but it turns out they liked me for my personality and those traits made me appear more attractive.
The fact of the matter is that improving your style, getting in better shape, and having a kick ass life are all going to improve your chances with landing your ideal girl. However, these improvements are all linked to traits that women find attractive: confidence, passion, and drive. Wearing a nice shirt isn’t going to help much if you’re a sad guy walking around the club. It will however, help to show off your physical features nicely, which can enhance your attractiveness.
Your interactions with women are almost completely random and the more women you talk to the more you will notice this to be the case. Some love you, some hate you, others will be indifferent, and it won’t necessarily fall into perfect categories based on their looks. I’ve been dissed by ugly chicks and have gotten hotter girls, it really is completely random with a large sample size. This is why it is important to not put so much stock in your interactions with women. Yes, you should learn from glaring mistakes, especially and how you are coming across but you need to learn to steady yourself with the highs and lows.
The reason that I am writing about having standards with women is that when you improve how you are presenting yourself and getting better at socializing it is easy to get burnt out from chasing the wrong things. At first, it is exciting to get some attention from a hot girl and hook up with them but it soon gets old and you can get bitter against all women because you didn’t screen for the right women. That’s what happened to me, I had physical standards but I let girls get away with too much and kept things going with girls who had noticeable bad habits and qualities about them. The fun I was originally having turned sour, and I really started avoiding having any real relationships with women.
Screening is important because it allows you to avoid becoming needy and focus on the interaction instead of how can I sleep with the girl, which in turn leads to better conversations and an abundance of the types of girls that you actually want to meet. I want to add that the screening I’m talking about is not about blowing girls off at the first sign of a trivial physical flaw or something along those lines. Rather, it is about finding the type of traits both physically and in their personalities that you feel you really want in a woman. It’s not about finding perfection but it is about inviting abundance into your life and not getting so hung up on what every single woman thinks of you.