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How to Talk to Girls When You’re Shy/Awkward

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Just about everything I’ve written on this site, dealing with the topic of interacting with women, has tried to keep it simple and basic. I wanted these posts to be easily accessible, understood, and applicable to real life situations. However, it seems that some guys still need a lot of help to get themselves to a level, where they can at least take action. Never mind, having any actual competency. I see a lot of searches on ‘how to talk to girls if you’re shy’ or something like ‘talking to women when you’re awkward’.

For guys at that stage of social development, a lot of what I wrote here, won’t be easily replicated. This is because their fears and anxieties are currently at such a level, where they still identify themselves as a shy person.

Being a ‘shy guy’, they couldn’t possibly talk to a strange girl, they met at a party or bar. That’d be outside of ‘who they are’.

If you’re one of these guys, don’t fret about it too much, you can indeed become both good with women and talking to strangers in general. The only difference with your situation, is that, you have to start from a more basic level.

Hence, it will probably take longer than some other guys, to get to where you want to be socially. It takes time to improve, but we need to push through those initial awkward feeling stages.

I don’t want to call it a secret, rather, I’ll call it an obvious tip (though many guys are oblivious to it). This tip is that, one of the biggest keys to success with women, is to be completely relaxed around them. Human beings are really good at picking up subtle signs in body language, voice, and other indicators, that help to reveal a person’s inner-mindset or motivations.

So, if you’re feeling shy and awkward when talking to a girl, then it is probably going to show and also make her feel somewhat awkward or what causes girls to sometimes call guys ‘creepy’.

Is the guy talking to her really creepy? He might be.

However, the more likely reason is that he was nervous about the interaction, and therefore came off awkward as hell. With this in mind, it would seem that our ultimate goal, is to be relaxed around girls (or anybody). So that, we may express ourselves fully, and in a way that conveys positive body language.

How to Stop Feeling Shy or Awkward Around Women?

My process for eliminating shyness and feeling awkward around women was twofold:

  1. Tackle the mental aspect, to break the chains holding me back in socializing
  2. Getting direct experience talking to women, to truly let go of that ‘shyness’ concept of self.

How does one reach a state of relaxation and confidence in situations that currently turn him into a shy and awkward mess? The first thing I want to convey about shyness, is that, it is not a constant state of being.

That is, shyness is merely a label and not who you are as a person.  Since that is the case, we can therefore conclude that shyness can be reduced or completely eradicated from our lives if the necessary steps are taken to do so.

In my own life, I was constantly labeled as shy when I was a kid, and it kind of took on a life of its own. People said I was shy and it reinforced itself, in my behavior. I would find myself in situations with strangers, not knowing what to do or what to say.

My mind would either shut down or go into panic mode. I would feel the physical symptoms coming on, also. Back in middle school, my hands used to shake, if I had to talk to a girl…even classmates that I already knew!

What did it matter anyways? I was ‘shy’ and couldn’t do anything about it. BS. It took some time, but I figured out ways to begin to overcome my shyness, and further raise my confidence. Ultimately, I eliminated the very idea, of me being a ‘shy’ person.

 

Examining the Timing of the Awkwardness

I think that the first thing a person should do, when trying to alleviate shyness, is to explore exactly what situations make them feel shy or awkward.

Some guys have no problem talking to anyone, except the opposite sex, in a situation where they’re trying to pick-up a girl.

Other guys, have a difficult time relaxing in just about any situation, they find themselves in.

In either case, there is plenty of work to be done to eliminate feeling shy. Even, if we’re still not the life of the party afterwards, it’s not a completely miserable situation to just be around other people socially.

It’s not necessarily an easy experience to get past shyness. It can be downright painful, sometimes, as it will require stepping outside of your comfort zone and frame of reference. Thus, making yourself more vulnerable to outside criticism or judgment…which is at the heart of these feelings.

However, the experience is totally worth it in the long run, because you start to not care about external influences. You find yourself more able to express ideas freely, which can lead to a lot of great experiences, and meeting a ton of new people you otherwise wouldn’t have.

I’ve written about reducing socially-induced fear in depth in this post, so I only want to touch on it a bit for this one, in terms of what this fear is. In many ways, shyness is a fear that comes about not because there is anything particularly wrong with you. Rather, it is because you fall into a very narrow view of the world while you’re in social situations.

I feel that my own mind has different magnification levels, almost like a microscope, which heavily influences my behavior or how I see certain situations. For instance, if you’ve ever had a really rough schedule at a job, you might know what I mean. There has probably been a time where it seemed, all you did was:  wake up, go to work, and go to sleep before you repeated the cycle again the next day.

In that scenario, you had a very narrow view of life, and your own mind seemed like it was functioning at a high magnification level. Meaning, your job and your feelings toward it for that stretch of time dominated your thoughts. It was only when you got some time off from work, that you could really take a step back, and view the world in a different way (like a different magnification lens).

During this time off, you probably had a better sense of self and probably had a better mood or noticed some beautiful things in the world around you. Your focus could move beyond just the day in, day out drudgery of work.

The frame of Social Interactions

Now, let’s apply this idea and see how it works in terms of social interaction. When I was working on my own problems socially, I noticed that, the times I was the most afraid was when I was being the most egocentric.

My ego, while trying to protect itself from getting hurt (rejection from girls), put all of these ideas in my head of ways the interaction could go wrong or the terrible ways which I would be perceived.

The more that I fought through these false notions, and made myself take action, the more I noticed my thoughts would change. It went from thoughts such as What do I say? and She probably won’t even like me to thoughts like What does it matter? or Just go for it!

In a very real way, I stepped back and looked at my situation from a higher or so-called meta level. I began to take my thoughts from the egocentric ‘how will I be perceived in society?’ towards a more basic understanding of what my interactions with women were.

I was a man, who had a limited amount of time on this planet, and thus my fears were holding me back from experiencing life. My fears of judgment and rejection were overblown… because I would soon be forgotten to history, like billions of other people, and some chick being mean or rejecting me really only mattered to my ego.

 

The interaction between a man and a woman, I began to view, as a completely natural thing which I was programmed to do. So, me not interacting with a woman should come about only as a logical choice, and not because of an illogical fear of doing so.

In short, my ego’s protecting itself, really had the opposite effect of hurting me. As, it prevented me from living the life I wanted to live.

So how does one cultivate the ability to take a mental step back while in a situation of talking to a woman? Everybody has the ability to do this, only they may lack the consistency. You might have experienced a night where you felt like you were in the zone, had insane confidence, and had no problem carrying on a conversation.

The problem is that you have been able to replicate these nights on a consistent basis. Or you have tried to induce such a positive mindset, by drinking alcohol or using drugs. I can present to you the ways in which I help to relax my mind, and put it in a prime state, but most of the changes will come over time through first-hand experience.

It is one thing to logically think of interactions in a new way, but it is another, to actually experience it on your nights out.

 

Letting Go of the Concept of Shyness

Priming your Mind

I don’t want to give off the impression that if you read one thing about overcoming shyness, then you’ll magically be cured and pick up women left and right. Sorry, it’s not that easy, but the steps are pretty straightforward.

Reading and meditation seem to help me have a more realistic outlook on life, which allows me to step back, and not take that nervousness I may feel so seriously. Once you can understand your fear, you can face it, and once you can face it you can conquer it.

I’m going to tackle this from a perspective of what has worked for me, which will hopefully provide you with enough examples and tools, to conquer this problem on your own.

One of the major habits I picked up during my senior year of high school was reading on a consistent basis. I cannot stress enough how great of an impact this habit has had on my life. My thoughts and outlook on the world around me has been constantly evolving ever since which has helped me greatly in many areas, even social interaction.

The main types of books that have helped me in this area of my life are philosophy, history, and what I guess is classified as ‘spiritual’.

Stoic philosophy is a Roman/Greek school of thought which mainly tackles the issue of how one should live their life. One of the central ideas in these Stoic works, is that, a man can only control his own faculties. He should not necessarily concern himself, with external things, outside his direct control. This includes not getting caught up, about the opinions of others, towards you.

These ideas are quite helpful when you are trying to overcome fear-based anxieties such as shyness. History books, helped me to put my own life into perspective. I had realize that I’m not the center of attention and that I’m really the only person who cares about me getting rejected.

I have written an entire post about books that destroyed my social phobias: Books to Shatter Social Conditioning

Here are a few of the books, from that list,  that I  used to read excerpts from on a regular basis. They helped a lot to keep my mind out of the mode of shyness and fear: (Note: you don’t have to read to overcome shyness but it can definitely help to keep your mind pointed towards your end goal).

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

Any work by Epictetus

50th Law by Robert Greene and 50 Cent

Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle


Breathing Techniques

I do deep breathing techniques on a daily basis. Why? It changes my physical state.

It helps to get lots of oxygen into the body and alter whatever unpleasant chemical signals my body was producing. If you tackle the awkward feelings, separately (both physically and through eliminating the negative thought patterns), you can diminish just about completely their hold on your life.

The physical body feeds into negative thought patterns. Even though, I’ve separated myself from taking my thoughts seriously, I still do feel physical symptoms of anxiety. So, I do deep breathing to take care of those feelings, and put me in an amazing state.

I also find things like caffeine and lack of sleep can trigger the physical symptoms in me. Which kind of points out how false they are, as if I had simply slept an hour more, they wouldn’t have ever come up during the day.

My schedule is this: I do one or two deep breathing exercises. Then, I meditate for 30-60 minutes.

Here are two of my favorite breathing exercise videos:

 

Meditation

Taking 20 minutes out of the day, especially 20 minutes before I go out to socialize, just to clear my mind of everything is like priming your mind even further than the books. As I wrote above, I now do 30-60 minutes, but 20 is good for most folks to start with.

I remember once, when I first began to meditate, I wasn’t feeling particularly confident or great about life. My thoughts, were going a mile a minute, and I couldn’t stop the anxiety inducing patterns.

However, I closed my eyes and breathed deeply for 20 minutes, in an attempt to clear my mind. After the time was up, it felt like I had hit a reset button on my brain and great sense of calm, came over me.

That night, I felt like I was in the zone and was so completely relaxed and comfortable in my own skin. Meditation can be a great tool for quieting those negative thoughts, that help to reinforce shyness and anxiety. If you can weaken your fears, then you can take action, which will in turn further weaken those fears.

You stop attaching yourself to the outcome. You stop trying to protect you ego and just exist in the moment. It doesn’t matter to you, if the conversation is going well, or going nowhere. It’s like you’re in a video game and playfully exploring the environment and possibilities.

Here is a good guided meditation, to get you started. Eventually, you can do the techniques without guidance, but it can be tough to focus when you’re a beginner:


Gaining First-Hand Experience

Like I said, reading and meditation are merely tools that I use to prime my brain and focus my thoughts. If that is all you do, then you’ll just be a calm and well-read guy sitting at home, which is not our goal. Obviously, the way you get over your fears and anxieties is to face them, and not only face them once but repeatedly until they no longer have any control over you.

This is just a fact of life. Professional athletes have to adjust, and get comfortable with the speed of their game at a higher level, after they leave high school or college. The first few years of their careers, athletes have to throw themselves into the game and learn on the fly, how different and more advanced things are now that they are professionals.

You too, have to learn how to deal with different ‘speeds’ of social interaction. Talking to your friend you’ve known for years, is a lot easier than, walking up to a girl you don’t know in a bar and chatting her up. It’s a learning experience you have to undertake and the more you expose yourself to the uncomfortable situations the quicker you will become more comfortable in them.

Of course, the quickest way to learn to be relaxed in these interactions with women is to immerse yourself in these situations. So for example, you might consider going out every day for a month and talking to as many women as possible. After, 30 days (30 Days to Life Change) of that your nerves will be falling by the wayside but it is important to note that having social skills will make it easier to go into an interaction without fear. As such, it might be a better idea to take it slow and learn social skills while chipping away at your shyness if you’re at a stage of utter cluelessness.

Indirect Ways to Reduce Shyness with Women

Going out every night and talking to women is a very good way of reducing your shyness around them but it isn’t always practical to do so. Here are a few ways in which I became more comfortable expressing myself in groups or in one on one conversations, that didn’t directly involve me trying to get a date or a phone number. These things allowed me to tailor my life towards a more social bent and gradually increase my social skills.

Jobs

Retail jobs aren’t fun but they can get you quite comfortable talking to people. I mean, if you’re full-time that’s 40 hours a week of practice time socializing. A great thing about having a job in retail is that you generally have a built-in script of things to talk about, after all you want to sell this product and help the customer.

You become a better reader of body language and will learn how to correct your own, in order to help other people feel more comfortable with you. I’ve done both the face to face retail jobs and the ones that are done over the phone and at some point it becomes so routine that you don’t even think about being shy. Cell phone retail stores, bartending, food service, clothing stores (usually girls on staff as well), are all useful to help you get more comfortable around people.

Clubs, Sports, etc.

If you’re in school, this is especially important. Join a club, join a sport (co-ed sports like swimming or track are great), or any other activity. You will meet a ton of people, have built-in topics to talk about, and will be a part of a group that you can gradually get more comfortable with. Don’t only join groups that you know you will enjoy but also push your boundaries and get involved in something that you might not know that much about.

Get Your Cardio up: Review of Visual Impact Cardio

Remember, the goal is to reduce shyness and awkwardness in social situations (especially with girls). So, getting a job and social activities that require interaction will have you practicing your social skills on a daily basis and as such your growth will be accelerated. If you’re not good a sports consider getting into shape and learning how to play.

 

Talking to Girls

 

It’s hard to still be nervous when talking to girls, if you are consistently talking to people throughout the day. However, some guys still do have a problem going up and talking to a girl at a party or a bar. This is why it is so important to develop both mindset and social skills because those basics is what will allow you to get better with women. A guy who is confident and can hold a basic conversation will always do better than the nervous guy who memorized some ‘game’ or pick-up lines. Also, see: How to Dress to Get Girls

The only way to get better at talking to girls is by going out and talking to them. The other things I mentioned can help to greatly reduce shyness and have you feeling more confident, but at some point you will have to dive into the deep end and just start talking. Don’t let you fear of rejection make you regret not taking action later in life. Do you want to be a lonely old man full of regrets? Wouldn’t you rather be the ideal version of you that I’m sure you’ve thought about being?

Look, right now getting phone numbers and learning how to flirt with women are logistical and secondary issues for you. Learn to crawl before you can walk and face the shyness by gaining confidence and learning to hold a basic conversation. Go for what you want but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get her number. This all takes time to figure out but you can accomplish it if you’re willing to do the work.

Overcoming shyness while talking with women is a process but shyness isn’t a life sentence nor is it encompassing of who you are as a person. Work to overcome shyness and social awkwardness now and give yourself the power to live the life that you have always wanted to.

 

INTRODUCING ATTRACT YOUR DEVELOPMENT’S FIRST EBOOK

GAME WITHOUT GAMES: TRANSCENDING PICKUP ARTISTRY AND PURSUING ATTRACTION THROUGH CONSCIOUS PERSONAL GROWTH 

$3.99 on Amazon.com  (For Kindle) download the Kindle App for Free

GAMEWITHOUTGAMES

Exploring the world of dating and so-called Pick-up Artistry, through the lens of the mind. Game without Games, from attractyourdevelopment.com, eschews traditional pickup advice and gets down to the core concepts of self including: fear, truth, connection, and desire. Taken from the author’s own personal experience in approaching, attracting, and dating women from age eighteen through his twenties, this book strips away all of the tips and tactics of the PUA community. Instead, this book focuses on personal development and cultivating what the ancient Stoic philosophers referred to as the internal.

With a greater inner strength and by focusing on developing one’s life in totality, attraction occurs naturally by becoming a ‘desirable man’. Game then is about expressing of oneself and exploring who she is, instead of trying to remember lame pick-up lines or tricks and tactics to get laid. Things become natural and flow from the relaxed and confident state of the man. He has control of his mental faculties and thus can accept life and social interactions on his own terms. Not chasing women or putting up with disrespect or other nonsense.

If you want to learn how to talk to girls, in a step by step format…go elsewhere. However, if you want to explore the mental side of game and the letting go of pickup dogma, Game without Game might be the book for you.

Related Posts

How to Start a Conversation with Girls

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Conversations can be meaningful, boring, insightful, or can produce any type of feeling a human being is capable of experiencing. For the socially awkward or inexperienced, it isn’t just the content of the conversation that gives them the most trouble, rather, it is how to start a conversation in the first place.

For many guys, it is evident that they can speak to people under certain circumstances but they consider themselves clueless on the subject of how to talk to girls. It is often the case that when these guys find themselves at parties or bars and they see an attractive girl, their mind suddenly blanks and they don’t know what to talk about.

The question is what are some things to talk about with girls? Well, the answer is anything. There are infinite topics with which you can converse about with women (obviously, some topics will stir up a hornet’s nest so, don’t be an idiot). In this post, I want to discuss opening a conversation with a woman at a party or club and try to present some guidelines to help you talk to a girl for the first time.

Here are some other potentially helpful posts:

 

Intro

Really quick, I initially wrote this post back in 2013. It’s kind of funny to read it now, to see what my thought processes were on talking to women, at the time. This is a period so closely removed from the college scene, which seems like a distant memory now. Honestly, I have only vague memories of this sort of lifestyle, as things have changed so drastically.

Anyway, I’m going to let it stand, as written because the basics of this post still apply. My whole approach, is way better nowadays, but this is still a solid baseline for inexperienced guys to start. As such, all I’ve done (outside of this intro) is to make the thing more readable. Improved grammar and enhanced the clarity, of what I was talking about.

This is in many ways the forerunner, to my first Kindle book Game without Games, which further breaks down my ‘beginner level’ approach to attracting women. I still maintain, learning ‘what to say’ isn’t all that important, as getting women is more about how you carry yourself in totality.

I also have my online dating ebook, if you need to learn, ‘text game’.

 

The Basics of Talking to Women and Conversational Anxiety

The first thing that you must understand, is that as I stated above, there are an infinite number of ways to start a conversation. Saying hello starts a conversation, as does walking up to a girl and saying, ‘Oh my gawd, you’re so hot.’

The difference between the two, will most likely occur in the outcomes, that each opening produces. Outcome is the surface level problem, that is causing the fear, that makes your mind go blank and your body seize up in anxiety.

Think about it. Your mind has a tendency to visualize success or failure before you start a conversation with a girl. Then your ego rears its ugly head, to prevent you from taking action, and risk the possibility of feeling embarrassed by rejection (I wrote about this in further detail here: Building Self-Confidence with Women).

It takes time to understand fully for yourself. With more experience, it eventually becomes clear, that you will need to ditch your dependence on outcome. Thereafter, simply enjoying the interactions you have, for what they are.

What I mean here is that, when you go into an interaction with a girl and you are trying to achieve some outcome (phone number, make-out, sex); then, there is always going to be a pleasure/pain dynamic set up from the start.

If you get the girl you’re happy, if you don’t it’s a negative reinforcement. Also, your interactions will be more about running game on a girl, than actually exploring to see whether or not you’d actually enjoy spending time with her.

Is that a bad thing? Well, that depends on if your goal is to become a pick-up artist or to simply keep growing as a person. The second option, can still create an abundance of women in your life, as a result.

Okay, I don’t want to get too far off task since we came here to discuss how to start a conversation, but I do think that the no outcome approach is the best bet when you get down to it. My only real ‘goals’ when talking to a girl are expression and exploration, meaning I’m presenting myself with my guard down and trying to find out who she is as a person.

Basically, you are socializing and letting things develop from there. So what does this look like in practice? Let me present a few examples, from my life, to give you an idea.

(Note: When I say opening lines, it means simply the line I opened the conversation with, not a sure fire pick-up line that will get you laid)

Example Conversation Openers Breakdown

Opening #1: “What is this?”

Context: Girl at a bar dancing by herself while her friends talked. She was doing some weird shit with her hands like they were keeping the beat of the song that was playing.

I then followed up with some teasing about how she was off beat and then said something like “This is how you dance” and then pulled her close to start dancing.

Pretty lame, right? Yep, but she was hugged up with me for the rest of the night.

You see? What did I really say that was so suave? Nothing. That’s the point. It’s not so much about what you say as it is how you say it.

There is a certain level of social awareness, that you will gain with more experience that lets you present yourself in the right way, instead of coming off creepy. This is why breaking down your socially conditioned fears and developing confidence is so key. It allows you to relax and be an open and fun-loving guy…which is attractive.

There was no need to ‘hit’ on her or try to game her in any way. Yes, the interaction was filled with flirting and since we were dancing our bodies were close. But, I think a lot of our conversation consisted of music and college majors. Basic shit, just not talked about in a boring way.

Opening #2: “They’re out of alcohol? How are we supposed to get drunk? (Grabs her hand) Follow me we have to find some more!”

Context: Wild college party. I am thirsty and the aforementioned alcohol dispenser (bucket full of PJ) is now empty. A cute girl happens to be there just as I am learning this fact and so I decide to share my disbelief with her. Sounds stupid as hell, I know, but let me break it down.

I noticed her standing there and waiting on me so she could also get a drink. It just so happened that it was now empty. I picked up my cup and looked at it, then at her, and I made a face like I was really sad.

This made her laugh a bit. I then said that opening in a completely playful manner and then led her by the hand to another spot at the party that still had some alcohol. From there it was just keeping the interaction fun and getting to know her.

Notice, I literally said nothing of importance, just something off the cuff that happened to pertain to our situation. I made the fact that we were both thirsty, turn almost into an adventure in itself. I then,  physically led her to where I wanted to go.

In both of the scenarios I have laid out thus far, I quickly got physical with the girl, meaning I expressed myself through touch. Guys have so much trouble with this because they can easily come off like a creep and the girl will feel like she is being groped.

My physicality was simply taking her by the hand. The whole situation was over the top to an extent (alcohol was involved) but it was completely fun and she dug it.

Opening #3: “You’re cute as hell.”

Context: Another house party and I’m with a group of people. My group is having a conversation with some other people while I am off to the side scanning the party. Make brief eye contact with a girl and I get positive body language.

The messed up thing? I start to talk to someone else for a second, instead of going to talk to the girl. I look over again and I get eye contact and a smile. Go time. I actually just walked up and wrapped my hands around her waist to start dancing. It was only after we started dancing that I told her she was ‘cute as hell’.

So in these three examples did I open the conversation with any smooth lines? Nope. I relied on confidence, tonality, and having fun.

Worrying about what line to use is ultimately a waste of time. Why? Because nothing works all of the time, and some girls will simply not like you, for whatever reason.

I’ve told other girls they were cute as hell and got blown off, so it couldn’t be the words that were the problem. It was something about me or something about their moods.

What if I’m not at a club or a party? What if there is a hot girl who sits next to me in class?

Obviously, there is a difference in how you interact, so adjust accordingly. Tone the physicality way down, probably just eliminate it all together. Don’t need to say something like you’re cute as hell or anything like that because if it fails, prepare for an awkward semester.

That’s another difference, the extent of time you have in an environment such as a classroom in which you will see the girl often. Compare this time, to that of a party or a night club, where it could be a few minutes to a few hours of initial interaction.

For this post, I don’t want to focus on these longer scenarios, but for Christ sakes just learn to hold a basic conversation and you should be fine.

Now chances are, you aren’t at the same level of comfort and confidence in these types of social situations, as I am in the above examples. That’s okay, it takes time, and having to experience discomfort for yourself to start to get past it but let’s go over some basic concepts to help bring you up to speed.

Build Up Your Comfort Level

If you’re at the point in your life where you are pretty much clueless socially, you should start with basic conversation and interaction with people in general, not just girls.

It doesn’t have to ever be complex, it could be just walking through the party and acknowledging the other guests.  Something like: “What’s up?” or “How y’all doing tonight?” It doesn’t have to start a conversation but it will help get you comfortable with speaking to other people.

When in a conversation with someone you’ve just met, you’ll recognize that it is pretty much basic protocol, to ask them questions about their lives and what they do. This is a good way to help break the ice but it often is boring and sounds just like an interview.

So you might ask, “What’s your major?” and follow their answer with “What do you want to do with that degree?” and then follow that up with yet another question. Boring as hell.

When I’m talking to a girl and I’m getting to know her through the same type of questions I like to interject my own personality and make the conversation a bit more fun.

For instance, part of the conversation I had with a girl a few weeks ago: (this is from memory, not exactly what I said but you’ll get the gist)

“So what do you do?”

“I go to school at (whatever university).”

“Cool. What are you studying?”

“Math.”

“Wow…so you’re like a complete nerd huh?”

“I’m not a nerd!”

“Yeah right, kids probably beat you up and stuffed you into lockers in high school.”

“You’re just jealous that I’m smart.”

“No, I like that you’re smart, it’s kinda hot. So what do you do when you’re not solving equations?”

The difference in that conversation, versus one that is just a straight line of questioning is that, I tease her and try to make the conversation more fun. So that, she’s more invested into talking to me.

In the other examples I gave, the situation presented itself that I could go right into getting more flirtatious or physically escalating things with a girl.

For the most part, I go to parties or events to have fun, and that is my sole focus. I try to interact with a bunch of different people either male or female, so a lot of the ways to start a conversation will be a more formal, “Hi, nice to meet you.”

Other times conversations will be much more spontaneous, for instance, I was chilling at a party and sitting near a girl whose friend had just come back from the store and brought some weird alcoholic drink back for the girl I was sitting by:

Her: “What is this drink?”

Me: “I don’t know but it sounds awful.” (She hesitated about drinking it) “Go ahead…drink it.”

Her: “This is disgusting.”

Me: “What does it taste like?”

Her: “It’s like….I can’t explain it. Taste it.”

Me: “I don’t want to drink that mess.”

Her: “Just try it.”

Me: “That’s the worst drink, I’ve ever had.”

Her: “I know, it’s terrible.”

I think we riffed on this drink for a few minutes before our conversation transitioned into other topics. It wasn’t scripted or forced just something that stemmed naturally from what was going on at the party.

What if I had just sat next to this girl and then started running game? Probably would have been awkward. However, since there was no pressure on the outcome of the conversation, everything just flowed. Expression and exploration in action.

 

Keep it Fun and the Pressure is Off

Like I’ve already said, squash the expectations and fantasies your brain conjures up when you see an attractive girl. Learn to have fun and keep an interaction, as a basic exploration of, whether or not she is a girl you might actually be interested in.

It is really amazing how quickly you can build a connection with some people, if you simply let go of your ego-induced fears, and let your guard down.

If you open up, people tend to reciprocate, that doesn’t mean go to a party and talk about your life problems. It means being relaxed, self-aware, and have a positive vibe that people want to be around.

The thing about going out with an agenda (to get laid or get numbers) is that everything you do seems more calculated and unnatural. I’ve seen guys who try to run some premeditated game on a girl and it just appears awkward.

I mean, a scripted line or opener can work, but it’s more likely to only if you are a good actor, if not you’ll just be the weird guy at the party.

I remember times I went out a few years back, when I still had the idea I should go out and try to get girls, and sometimes it worked. But, it seems like most of the time it didn’t, and those were the worst nights. I spent an evening out and not only didn’t get a girl but didn’t even have any fun in the process.

When you go out with no expectations or agenda, you can simply have fun and let the opportunities present themselves. Yes, some girls with still be bitchy or blow you off but it doesn’t matter. Just walk away and keep enjoying yourself.

Talking to girls at a party is a whole lot less complicated than people make it out to be. A majority of the issues you face in these situations are caused directly by yourself and your discomfort with socializing.

That is why you need to continually build your confidence and grow as a person, through things like reading to help prime your mind. Also and most importantly, learn through first-hand experience. This will make you more comfortable with expressing yourself and not taking things so seriously. There are many ways to start a conversation with a girl, but memorizing a few lines will not transform you into some kind of mack.

INTRODUCING ATTRACT YOUR DEVELOPMENT’S FIRST EBOOK

GAME WITHOUT GAMES: TRANSCENDING PICKUP ARTISTRY AND PURSUING ATTRACTION THROUGH CONSCIOUS PERSONAL GROWTH 

$3.99 on Amazon.com  (For Kindle) download the Kindle App for Free

 GAMEWITHOUTGAMES

Exploring the world of dating and so-called Pick-up Artistry, through the lens of the mind. Game without Games, from attractyourdevelopment.com, eschews traditional pickup advice and gets down to the core concepts of self including: fear, truth, connection, and desire. Taken from the author’s own personal experience in approaching, attracting, and dating women from age eighteen through his twenties, this book strips away all of the tips and tactics of the PUA community. Instead, this book focuses on personal development and cultivating what the ancient Stoic philosophers referred to as the internal.

With a greater inner strength and by focusing on developing one’s life in totality, attraction occurs naturally by becoming a ‘desirable man’. Game then is about expressing of oneself and exploring who she is, instead of trying to remember lame pick-up lines or tricks and tactics to get laid. Things become natural and flow from the relaxed and confident state of the man. He has control of his mental faculties and thus can accept life and social interactions on his own terms. Not chasing women or putting up with disrespect or other nonsense.

If you want to learn how to talk to girls, in a step by step format…go elsewhere. However, if you want to explore the mental side of game and the letting go of pickup dogma, Game without Game might be the book for you.

Related Posts

How to Have a Spiritual Experience with Weed?

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One of the reasons it seems that people like to take drugs, is to escape from the norm of your everyday mind, problems, society, etc. Sometimes, it shuts the constant chatter of your brain down or you feel more creative or other times, you do just feel like a complete idiot while high. Drugs have also been used for centuries in all sorts of religious and spiritual ceremonies, in order to achieve a certain experience, feel closer to ‘God’, or a variety of other reasons (both positive and negative). Now, the question begs, can you have a spiritual experience spurred on by drugs? Specifically, can marijuana generate an enlightened state?

Let me start out by stating that I do believe that certain psychedelic drugs can can take you into a space, that allows you to question, realize, and get a peak into a different interpretation of reality.

People have commented, that through drugs such as LSD, mushrooms, DMT, and the like; that they had life-altering experiences. Indeed, these trips could be classified as ‘spiritual’ in nature.

I too, have had amazing and really blissful states, that I got to through meditation and readings on philosophy/non-duality.

I’ve never done the aforementioned drugs, but I have smoked marijuana probably a dozen or more times in my life, and I never had a really profound experience while on it.

Not that it particularly matters, as if you read my other post, “How to Have a Spiritual Experience”…you will see that I don’t put much stock into these experiences, as they aren’t the end game and are often short-lived.

What about Weed?

Different drugs I’ve taken in my life, have obviously given me different experiences:

Ecstasy, made me feel a lot of joy for a night, during a time in my life when I was in a really depressed state and not yet ‘awakened’. It was more of a group experience, overall, with that drug.

Though, later in life, I really did achieve the same feeling of bliss/oneness, with only meditation and inquiry. This is without having to ingest, whatever extra chemicals, the drug dealers decided to add to the base MDMA.

Even my trials with 5-HTP, produced a lower level of this upbeat and positive flood of emotions.

Cocaine, was just awful. I did it once and never felt so supremely paranoid and egoic in my entire existence…not something the depressed version of myself needed. I don’t get the appeal of this drug at all. Maybe I’m not wired for it? However, I for one, think it sucks.

 

Marijuana Early Experiences vs. Present Useage

Marijuana, on the other hand, I enjoyed smoking. It didn’t give me a spiritual experience but what it did do was to allow me to feel de-personalization. These were some of my initial experiences with the ‘illusion of the self’, so to speak.

Like, for some of the first times in my life, I had experienced no thoughts rushing through my head. I felt like, I was nothing more than an observer in my own body. Just pure awareness.

Of course, that was only when I was sitting by myself after smoking. Once I started talking to other people, I felt much more of my normal experience of reality, at that time.


However, it wasn’t enough to have a spiritual breakthrough or anything like that…I didn’t have the tools at the time to make anything come from it.

Anyways, experiencing ‘no-mind’ is really more of a symptom (or a clue) of awakening, and lots of people would find that depersonalized state scary or confusing. Some folks, freak out on pot.

Recent Experiences…

Now that I’ve gone pretty deep with the meditation, non-duality, and have had the intense ‘spiritual’ experiences; being ‘awake’ is just sort of my default existence.

This state isn’t a perpetual bliss. There are days where that occurs, but most days are pretty mundane. Sorry to disappoint. We still have to exist within the context of the society we live in, with our biological needs/limitations, while being a part of the ‘universal’ perspective. This balancing act, really confuses a lot of people.

Anyway, my more recent experiences, have come in the form of edibles. When I have visited the states where it is legal, in the Western US, I always buy some marijuana gummies.

These gummies, along with the awakening to non-duality, do tend to produce a very close approximation to the more intense ‘spiritual experiences, I’ve had. They supply the physical/mental stimulation component, while I just sit back as pure awareness.

It’s cool. Definitely a fun thing to do on vacation. Book a tour, get taken to see nature, while in a completely blissed out state? Yes, sir.

Keep in mind, this is small doses of 5-10 mg, and not being blazed out of my mind.

Still, it doesn’t ‘reveal’ anything that I already don’t already fundamentally experience daily. Just adds an enjoyable physical component.

 

Final Thoughts…Will Weed Give One a Spiritual Awakening?

Weed definitely isn’t a requirement for any of these experiences and trying to chase a spiritual high, again isn’t an end goal…you will end up just chasing those experiences more and more, instead of just being content with what is.

No-mind can also happen, on a more biological level through sex. This is one of its appeals for people, even for those who are seeking anything. For a time, it’s forgetting all the rest of what is happening in one’s life.

Also, I’ve noticed it when I’ve been really sick, and the disorientation of nausea and vomiting creates an interesting (if physically unpleasant) state; where I’m just operating on pure biological reaction without thought. Same thing, just on the perceived negative side.

So, all in all, I wouldn’t say that marijuana is a good way to have a ‘spiritual experience’ or reach ‘enlightenment’. Those sorts of states just seem to happen at random for me, and any time that I used to make a concerted effort to get there, it would fail.

That kind of experience is really just like having your awareness be more open. Like, if normally the door of experience was only open a crack, and then it became wide open for a full glimpse. It’s certainly cool but it isn’t practical (or maybe even possible) to stay that way forever.

 

 

Where to Meet Women After College: Post-Grad Dating Scene

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The post-grad dating scene can suck. In all honesty, it does take some adjustment to get used to. Obviously, college was great for getting girls, because you had a vast concentration of people. People of all different varieties whom with, you could hang out and in the case of cute girls, hook up with.

Life after college, is not so easy for getting dates. You have a job, that you spend most of your day at, and may or may not have available women there ( I know mine, doesn’t).

Your former social circles may be reduced significantly or be gone entirely. This fact, makes the whole meeting people thing extra difficult (multiplying zero ain’t too easy).

The list of changes goes on and on. Now a days, your schedule may look like: wake up, work, gym, home, TV, sleep (alone). Sucks right?

Well, fortunately you can reverse the tide, if you’re willing to put forth the effort to meet women. Though, it won’t be as simple to do, as it was in college. This isn’t a general guide on dating and picking up women after college. Rather, I just want to touch on where exactly you can meet these women.

Habits and Boundaries

I think that the biggest problem for most of us after college, is that we get settled into a comfort zone, after we have made the transition from school out into the real world.

You easily get mired in the aforementioned work, home, sleep cycle, and begin to feel like you’ll never meet a nice girl. You’re right in a way, you will need to expand beyond that cycle of isolation if you are to be successful in this endeavor.

I’ve known plenty of guys, and even girls, who felt like they needed to lock down a mate towards the tail end of college. All simply because of how ‘hard’ it would be to meet someone after the graduated.

Having a girlfriend is cool, but getting deeply involved with someone simply because they’re decent and you think you’ll end up alone, when you’re in your mid-twenties is nonsense.

That type of thinking seems like a recipe for divorce and delayed heart ache (not to mention the alimony payments).

This is a really important concept to understand: if your current life produces little interaction with the opposite sex, then it will continue to do so unless you change something.

I know that there are a lot of guys who say, ‘The club scene isn’t for me’. Fine, but if you sit at home and play video games instead of trying to meet someone, don’t complain when nothing materializes.

I’m not saying the bar scene is the only place to meet women (especially for a more serious relationship) but it does have it uses. Some people advocate using cold approach with women exclusively but that never made total sense to me, as it is a rather scattershot way of meeting chicks.

The best way to meet great women is by casting the widest net possible and narrowing it down and you do this by utilizing: cold approach, social circle, and online dating.

Now, that we have the idea of pushing your comfort zone and the various methods for meeting women let’s explore where we can meet them specifically.

 

Online Dating

This is merely one tool in your arsenal. Call this the least amount of effort model of getting with women.

The advantage of online dating is that: you can message a ton of them in a short amount of time, have some information on them, and can sit back and collect phone numbers if you do it right.

The downside is that you encounter plenty of flaky women and others who have some issues. Online dating works best, in the more metropolitan regions of the country. This is because of the whole casting a wide net idea, and filtering out the women, who would be a bad choice.

Actually, that’s true of all of these methods for getting women.

I know, lots of guys have limited success with this medium of getting dates. But, it is still worthwhile to do, even if you have a low percentage success rate. Plus, with the dating apps (Bumble, Hinge, and still Tinder in some places), this is an almost completely passive way to get potential dates.

Passive until it is time for the conversation. But hey, texting on the phone and turning that into a date, is pretty awesome.

I wrote a Kindle book on how to do this successfully (yes, there are lots of full text conversations, that I break down): Online Dating Book for Men

 

Bars/Clubs

I hardly drink. Like, a few times a year max. I still do, however, go out to bars and clubs. Not all of the time, but enough, to get some results.

Why? Because that’s where the women are! Now, some girls don’t do the bar scene, but there are plenty that do. Hence, it is a good place to meet new women.

Also, I like this scene because it can feel like an inherently hostile environment. This helps you build confidence and thoroughly not give a fuck about rejection.

Eventually, you reach the point where the crowds and loud music don’t bother you.  You get locked into a hot girl, that you’ve spotted, and simply go for the gusto.

Warning: I’ve never met a serious girlfriend at a bar, but have gotten plenty of other types of relationships and situations from it. So, consider what you’re looking for exactly.

Need further help?

If you’re a shy guy: Talk to Girls if You’re Shy

Need confidence: How to Build Confidence with Women

Simply don’t know what to say: How to Talk to Girls

My Other Kindle Book: Game Without Games

 

Local Events

Just about every city has events and festivals. GO TO THESE! Food festivals, beer festivals, and the like are usually crawling with women. Not only can you get some free (or cheap) meals, but you can conveniently meet some women, and there is always built in conversations to be had there.

This works extremely well with a group. Again, social connections, are a big part of the overall scheme of meeting women. You can do well, with just online dating and approaching alone. However, your results will skyrocket, once you have people to hang out with.

Something always happens, after going to these events. I meet someone’s friend, some random girl, or get with a girl I already know. Pretty easy, when you’re meeting dozens of women, in a single day.

If you have a modicum of social skills, and don’t act like a creepy weirdo, the group dynamic has huge benefits. As the women, are in the same position as you, struggling to meet people.

 

5K Runs and Charity Walks

Things like color runs, charity walks, bar crawls (they have races sometimes), and other assorted athletic events including Tough Mudder; are not only fun, supposedly, but also have plenty of females there.

If that’s something you like to do or would be interested in, there will be hundreds of girls there who not only share that common interest but are fit as well.

This isn’t really my thing, but I know a lot of women, who participate in this type of thing on a regular basis.

Maybe you’re out of shape: Get Ripped Abs, Working Out But Not Losing Weight?

 

Gyms/Exercise Classes

I don’t really approach women while their working out and I’m working out because it may not be the best time to do so and they may not want to talk (I know I really don’t while lifting).

However, you will see the same group of people at your gym everyday, so you’ll probably get to know some girls there just by repetition.  But if you want to go for it you can.

Exercise classes are a great place to meet women, because like any group there usually involves some interaction and hence opportunity to create some kind of comfort.

Also, sports teams and adult recreational leagues. Even if you just play basketball or flag football, you will meet guys that, you’ll probably become decent friends with. Then, meet at least a few girls, as a result of socializing with them.

Check out co-ed teams or fitness groups as well, swimming, and volleyball are magnets for girls.

Get Your Cardio Going: My Review of Visual Impact Cardio

Classes

College courses, community college courses, cooking classes, dance classes, whatever….classes are always an option to meet women and expand your horizons. In college, English classes always seemed to yield a girl (“Did you do the reading last night?” was a golden opening line).

Now that you’re out of college, consider taking some type of class for personal enrichment, and utilize your time in there to meet other people. People whom you can befriend, or meet a cute girl, and outright date.

I know multiple guys, who went the salsa dance class route. Even being almost completely incompetent with women, they still got a few numbers and dates.

Groups

There are plenty of interest groups out there. If you’re religious, you should probably consider a church group. Whatever it is you like or might be interested in, explore your city for like-minded people and organizations. Volunteer organizations, usually have tons of women.

 

The Biggest Part: Social Circle

The honest answer on where to meet women after college is anywhere…they’re more than half the population.

If you have to confidence to make conversation and the skill to pull it off, then meeting women won’t be a problem. However, most of us aren’t all that great at it, so we do need work.

All of the suggestions I’ve laid out thus far, are social activities or online dating, which is just people wanting to be around other people.

If you have a social circle already, than you can leverage that into meeting women. Friends of friends, girls you meet at parties or get togethers, random chicks you meet while out with your friends; are all byproducts of your social network.

This has by far been the biggest source of women in my life, for both sex and longer-term dating. You meet so many random women, get thrown into situations you cannot plan for, and it ends up working out.

The reason you are expanding your horizons, and doing as much socializing as possible, is to continually grow your social circle. You then have, the women come into your life, through what you already do. It’s a steady rotation.

Doing things that interest you, in a social manner, attracts women who also enjoy the same thing. And guess what? You’ll probably have great chemistry with these types of women. You will not need to resort to random pick-up lines, or feel pressure to start a conversation, because it will all develop naturally.

While approach girls in the bar is cool, by itself it is a limiting proposition. This is because you aren’t necessarily building a social circle, by hooking up with that one girl you meet, and once she’s gone you’re back to square one.

You want to develop a life that brings girls into it. That way, you don’t have to constantly be in that ‘hunter’ mode of trying to pick-up any girl, you come across.

That’s basically it, as far as places to meet women after college. I know it can be hard and the women don’t seem as prevalent as they were when you were walking around campus but trust me they are out there.

You have to make yourself want to go out and socialize and never be afraid to try new things. Not every social opportunity pans out but if you make the effort to present and improve yourself, women will find a way into your life.

INTRODUCING ATTRACT YOUR DEVELOPMENT’S FIRST EBOOK

GAME WITHOUT GAMES: TRANSCENDING PICKUP ARTISTRY AND PURSUING ATTRACTION THROUGH CONSCIOUS PERSONAL GROWTH 

$2.99 on Amazon.com  (For Kindle) download the Kindle App for Free

 GAMEWITHOUTGAMES

Exploring the world of dating and so-called Pick-up Artistry, through the lens of the mind. Game without Games, from attractyourdevelopment.com, eschews traditional pickup advice and gets down to the core concepts of self including: fear, truth, connection, and desire. Taken from the author’s own personal experience in approaching, attracting, and dating women from age eighteen through his twenties, this book strips away all of the tips and tactics of the PUA community. Instead, this book focuses on personal development and cultivating what the ancient Stoic philosophers referred to as the internal.

With a greater inner strength and by focusing on developing one’s life in totality, attraction occurs naturally by becoming a ‘desirable man’. Game then is about expressing of oneself and exploring who she is, instead of trying to remember lame pick-up lines or tricks and tactics to get laid. Things become natural and flow from the relaxed and confident state of the man. He has control of his mental faculties and thus can accept life and social interactions on his own terms. Not chasing women or putting up with disrespect or other nonsense.

If you want to learn how to talk to girls, in a step by step format…go elsewhere. However, if you want to explore the mental side of game and the letting go of pickup dogma, Game without Game might be the book for you.

Related Posts

No Fap Challenge Benefits

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I’m all for experimenting with diet, exercise, and different ways of thought or living. Recently, I have been looking into the effects that sexual activity can have on behavior and mood, both of which are directly linked to our brain’s chemical makeup. During, my broad research into this area I started reading more and more about the No-Fap movement, in which guys cease masturbating.

Introduction to NoFap and Its Claimed Benefits

The more I read, the more the benefits of following such a program became interesting to me. A no-fap challenge, lasts for a certain amount of time (usually 30-90 days), and is designed to help break men’s addiction to pornography and help to experience positive changes in mood and energy levels.

Now, some of the claims that guys who have gone through the no-fap challenge are pretty impressive. I think that the most interesting things I have read involve how these guys report that other people have started to treat them differently since they have gone no-fap.

They report being treated more respectfully by other men and say that women are more apt to notice them and even go out of their way to introduce themselves to these guys.

Guys also report that they feel much more confident and calm in their daily lives as well as being more driven to accomplish things (see: How to Get Ripped Abs) and focused.

While the claims are interesting, it is difficult to hone in on what is the exact cause in these hundreds of testimonials, attesting to the benefits of no-fap.

There certainly seems to be a placebo effect. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, if guys think that no-fap is going to work wonders, then they are more likely to take action. Thus, interesting life outcomes, sort of become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Also,  the extent that no-fap would work would also seem to depend on whether the man undertaking it was more heavily a porn addict or it was just a guy who didn’t really ever watch and just decided to give up fapping.

That seems to be something that people conflate. There are guys who overcome a severe pornography addiction, while on NoFap. They are obviously, more likely to see greater changes to their moods and lifestyles, versus guys who are non-addicts.

Note: I am updating this post, some six years later. Geez, this whole NoFap thing really took off, but I’ve done further experimentation with it since the initial writing. So, I think I can add some further clarity to the topic of benefits, and just NoFap as a whole. 

 

The Problem with Porn and Addiction

Watching high-speed internet pornography, has been pinpointed as a cause for many issues that men can face including lack of motivation, addictive behaviors, sexual dysfunctions such as ED, and a general malaise or depressed state of mind.

The science on its effects on the brain, doesn’t appear to be ‘all in’ at this point in time, but it does appear to be the case at least anecdotally that giving up pornography is very beneficial for many guys.

There is some research that points to porn damaging dopamine receptors in the brain and thus effecting mood and behavior. If true, this would explain why men who refrain from watching these videos, can report such dramatic results in their quality of life.

What if you’re aren’t addicted to porn or are only using your imagination? Would no-fap even benefit you, then?

If dopamine receptors do indeed become damaged and the repairing of the receptors will be where the true benefits lie, should you follow such a program?

Another question that arises is, what kind of pornography has negative side effects or does it really matter at all? 

It’s difficult to gauge the right answer to these questions, here is a TED Talk video that goes further into the role of pornography and its effects on the brain:

 

I find that the argument against porn to be fairly convincing, maybe the science isn’t totally 100% on it yet, but there does seem to be plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest that there is indeed something to it.

However, there still is the question of whether it is not fapping, that is producing the major results or if it is the breaking of an addiction?

Perhaps some guys, face both issues: chronic fapping and porn addiction. Two addictions, working in conjunction. Meanwhile, for other guys, the porn is the issue.

For a man, who wants to ‘repair the dopamine receptors’ and doesn’t chronically masturbate, what issue would there be doing so without watching streaming porn?

If the actual goal is to solely quit porn, wouldn’t it be easier, to get a release that way? Instead of trying to go ‘x’ number or days without busting a nut?

Things to ponder, before deciding what path to follow for yourself.

 

The Positive Benefits of No-Fap?

  1. Testosterone Gains?

Refraining from fapping has been a technique that has been around for centuries for cultural or religious reasons. Many times, there is the prevalent idea that your seed is your life force and fapping drains you of it.

It is an interesting concept, but again, it’s a question of scientific validity of such an idea. While there isn’t a measurement of ‘life force loss’, there are studies that suggest increases in testosterone levels by refraining from ‘spilling the seed’.

It has been reported that refraining increases testosterone levels to a peak of 147% on the 7th day and still slightly increased levels for a few days afterward.

This is what I wanted to try out for myself. Using a once every 7-9 days schedule for the past month or so has seen pretty great results for me in terms of energy levels. (Update: Done this many times over the years, with similar results. There’s something to this.)

My testosterone definitely appears to be spiking just like it has been reported to do so. I feel crazy energetic and motivated to work out and accomplish other goals that I have set for myself, more so than usual.

The sixth and seventh days are always the toughest. It takes some work to focus your excess energy, into something non-sexual, but I notice that I can get past such temptations fairly easily now.

I also feel stronger on the days later in the week and have noticeably more endurance. This schedule feels pretty optimal for me, personally. I’ve done the 30-60 day NoFap and I can’t say it yielded any additional benefits, in this area.

 

2. Incentive to Talk to Women

If you’re not fapping, then the only way you get to release, is through: regular sex and uncontrollable nocturnal emissions.

A 30-90 day NoFap program, would definitely be an incentive to go out and talk to women. Because it’s going to be a rough go, without them.

However, some guys decide to just forego sex, also.

For guys who are nervous to talk to chicks and/or guys who are just incompetent at doing so…I can see why this would be helpful. It puts their back against the wall, so to speak, and they have a drive to succeed.

For me, it didn’t help me be any better at talking to women. I’d already done my whole approaching women thing, way before NoFap. As such, there was nothing to get over.

It did, however, make me want sex constantly. I don’t really consider that much of a benefit. You can make some poor decisions, with a full nut, and no release.

If you do have problems with the ladies, here are my two Kindle books written on the subject, to get way better at it.: Game without Games and Online Dating Guide for Men

 

3. Free time

Think about it, three times per week for an hour long fap session, is the equivalent to taking a college course.

How much free time are you wasting by fapping your life away? 12 hours a month? More? It adds up quick.

You could learn a new skill or a new language, instead of beating your meat, to pixels on a screen.

 

4. Voice Deepening

Some guys report their voices getting deeper and stabilizing. Maybe this is a function of the testosterone?

I never personally experienced this. My voice is already pretty deep, so I can’t really image, it dropping further.

 

5. Enhanced mood, desire, etc.

OK, this one is a mixed bag. Some days during a 30-60 NoFap challenge, your mood is high. Then, it can be low as hell.

Same with desire. You get those manic periods of wanting to bang everything, versus not wanting anything at all.

So, I’ve done this 30-60 day period a few times in the past, and my mood isn’t always ‘enhanced’. Far from it.

Yes, I can get that ‘testosterone boost’, and be doing work for that initial 7-10 days. Then, the effect is lessened. I’m also much more irritated and impulsive.

I’ve come down on the side of, just shoot a load, when needed. Don’t watch porn (at all, if possible) or jerk off everyday, but not doing so for 30-60 really didn’t make my life better.

Again, lots of other guys have gotten results. I think that this has to do with me, already letting go of my issues, through a non-dual approach.

 

6. Better Sex

Guys who give up porn and/or fapping, report increased sensitivity down below. Also, curing ED and/or the inability to finish during intercourse.

The sensitivity is definitely there, big time. Is the sex better? It’s sort of like giving a dehydrated person water, the experience of complete lack, makes the water taste amazing that first drink.

Same thing, after not having sex or shooting a load, for a long time. The sensation is better. However, control after a week of not cumming, is non-existent.

The short-term, it makes you a two pump chump. However, once porn is quit, it does make sex seem better…whether or not masturbation still takes place.

 

7. Re-humanizing women and the heightening experience of reality.

This only really applies to guys who are porn addicts. But that stuff, definitely does seem to mess with your head, and  you have less empathy towards women at least on some level.

Getting back to reality and working on yourself will yield actual results while staying in that fantasy land will only serve to hinder you. Plus, real women are much more attractive, once the digital illusion is gone.

 

Final Thoughts

The idea of no-fap is definitely interesting and can be beneficial but the results are going to completely depend on the individual.

I think guys who have pornography addictions are the ones who should definitely consider doing a 90 day challenge, just because of the sheer number of positive stories of men who have had similar problems helped by doing such a challenge.

If you don’t have a porn addiction, should you try a challenge? Maybe. It might be interesting, to see what kind of effects it can have on you, physically and psychologically. But then again, the results might be tepid.

Doing a 30 day challenge, followed by a once a week schedule, could see benefits. I like the every 7-10 days schedule, that I’ve been using in the past, as I get plenty of noticeable results in the short-term.

I definitely want to be around women, a lot more, which only serves to increase opportunities with them. There are times, when I don’t want that in my life, and so may throw in a couple extra sessions to not be distracted by sex.

Before I started that, I tested by fapping 4-5 days in a row with porn, to see if there would be a difference. I definitely felt like complete shit during those days. Energy was way down and I had zero motivation. I’ve repeated this test multiple times (haha, it’s a fun test to run), and the same thing happens, each time.

I don’t know how some guys live like that. Even such a short time frame, was too much for me. Porn is increasingly just becoming completely lame, much like strip clubs. Both feel pointless when you see through the illusion and addiction.

If that’s you current life’s experience, you will probably see benefits with NoFap. Is it going to change everything? No, but it can help put you on a better path. Then, with a clear mind, you can work on any other issues.

My own experiences, tell me all I need to know about, what kind of effects this kind of stuff has on the brain. Going without for longer periods of time, frees up the mind from the realm of fantasy. It puts your focus square on reality, which is leveraged in the right way, may be all the benefit you need in your life.

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How to Get the V-Cut in Your Abs Fast

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There are obviously many health benefits both long-term and short-term for losing belly fat. Of course, there are a lot of people who don’t really get motivated by the health benefits, and are really into working out for the exterior visual appeal (and being healthy is just a bonus). One of the most visually striking aspects of the physique is the so-called ‘v-cut’ which runs from the oblique muscles down to the pubic area. This is also referred to as the money maker, for good reason. Having these simple lines appear on your body can create are very aesthetic look and come about body having low body fat.

So how does one get the v-cut? I’m going to break it down from a couple aspects below.

DIET DIET DIET

The first and the most important aspect of achieving this look, is through diet. Yes, everything always comes back to what you eat and how much of it. If one has a diet consisting of sugary snacks and other greasy and unhealthy junk foods, then just be honest about it and recognize that those abs will not show. You can indeed enjoy these foods, once in a while, but that doesn’t mean every other day.

The v-cut will start to appear when the body fat percentage is low enough. Meaning, that there needs to be a lot of work put forth not only in the gym, but also the kitchen.

The absolutely easiest place to cut is in the beverage department. If you currently consume soda, juice, or other sugary drinks…STOP! These empty calories are completely limiting your gains. Hell, back in high school, I started drinking only water and cut out all sugary drinks and lost 15 lbs in within about 5 months. This was without any changes in exercise or the foods that I was eating. Just cutting soda and sugary juice, dropped 15 lbs!

From there focus on the foods you are eating. It can be a good idea to start out by replacing things slowly. Like, for the first week just make sure you eat a healthy breakfast, even if the rest of your diet is crap. Then, the next week, make sure your breakfast and lunch are on point. This way, you don’t have to go through the junk food withdrawals and cravings will be minimal. It’s a slow getting used to the new lifestyle, instead of trying to overhaul everything at once.

Replace processed foods, with natural ones. Keep track of you caloric intake and know how many net calories (net of calories burned through exercise) you need to be at in order to lose fat. For me, 2000-2200 net calories, will lose me fat a pretty fast clip and so that’s what I use as a baseline and adjust from there. Obviously, you’re not the same size as me most likely, so you’ll need to figure out your baseline on your own.

I use an app on my phone called “My Net Diary”, which keeps track of what I eat, my calories, my exercise, and my how many calories I need to consume in order to hit my weight target. So, if I wanted to lose 20 lbs in three months, it would calculate how many net calories each day that are required for me to hit my goal. Is it 100% accurate? No, but I’ve found that it is pretty dead on, though I still need to adjust things to my personal requirements.

Workouts

Losing fat is the most important aspect of getting the money maker. However, there are tons of people on the planet, who are skinny but don’t have a well developed v-cut.  That being the case, the abdominal muscles will have to be increased in terms of volume and for definition.

One way to do this is by working the oblique muscles. The key is not to use too much weight, which can make this area thicker, and sort of distort the lean look that we want to achieve.  Side bends and twisting crunches are some of the exercises that I have found effective for this goal.

Training the abdominal muscles with some weight is obviously important in developing this area. Like any other muscle group, the abs need to be worked to develop strength, and get the right aesthetic. 2-3 days worth of work each week is sufficient to build this group while ensuring proper recovery is allowed to happen.

One more effective tool for getting the v-cut is cardiovascular exercise. Cardio is a great way to burn through the stores of fat covering abdominal muscles and should be used in conjunction with a resistance training program. When cutting I personally step up my cardio workouts to 4-5 times a week to shed the fat.

Need A Program to Get the Results you Desire? Try this!

What is Visual Impact Muscle Building?

The original VI program is a 3 phase program which lasts a total of six months designed to get you that lean and cut look similar to Brad Pitt in Fight Club, Taylor Lautner, and other Hollywood actors. This program is NOT about adding bulk in whatever form it may come. Rather, the goal is to create as Rusty says, “a sharp-angular look” not the standard bulky ‘meat head’ physique.

I think that most guys want to have some decent muscle mass and have the cut physique that drives women wild and not the huge, steroid monster look that will have them running in fear. Getting in shape isn’t all about the chicks but why not take the benefits that go along with it?

Phase 1 of the program is broken down into 3 separate days and has more of a focus than the other two phases on gaining proficiency and mass. I think that naturally skinny guys would do well to repeat phase 1, so that they could add more muscle before really cutting down in the latter phases. For me, I had to skip the deadlifts and squats in this phase due to an old back injury.

What really changes in between the phases besides some of the exercises is the rep schemes, which is designed to create a certain type of physique and not just add muscle randomly. Below is a link to a video where Rusty Moore explain this in more detail:

 

Who is this program for?

I think that skinnier guys who want to gain some muscle yet retain their leanness would do well with Visual Impact Muscle Building and probably won’t need the cardio program.

Guys who have fat to lose would do well to combine this program with the cardio program, like I did, to really help create a great physique.

What does this program cost?

$47 for Visual Impact and $37 (as of now) for the Cardio program…when purchased individually. Buying both programs usually results in a huge discount for the second one. Really for six months worth of workouts that works out to roughly 26 cents a day in order to help transform your body.

Is the cardio program difficult?

It can be brutal sometimes. It builds up over the program and the last few weeks look pretty damn challenging. There will be weeks in which 5 days a week is commonplace, so it is important to monitor your body and know when to take a break. Overall, I love it. I love having to push myself through workouts because I know that the results are already taking place and I cannot wait until I’m completely chiseled.

Here are some of the perks of Visual Impact Cardio:

  • No more guess work. Specific workouts you can tailor to your own fitness level.
  • Special Advanced cycle designed to help you get really cut.
  • Intense workout to help build stamina and endurance.
  • 3 separate, 8 week cycles, which can be repeated and modified as you get stronger.
  • The reasoning behind everything is explained in simple, easy to understand terms.
  • Can be downloaded instantly, you start right away.

 

 

 

 

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Working Out but Not Losing Fat? 4 Reasons Why

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There are some folks who start a workout program and follow a diet and start to see results seemingly immediately. For others, it seems like no matter how much work they do, there is very little to show for it. I’ve been in this boat myself and while it’s easy to give up on things and declare that, “Being in shape just isn’t possible for me”, the truth is that it can indeed be done. If you’ve been putting in the work for a few weeks or perhaps months and don’t seem to have the desired results, it’s time to make adjustments. Here are some of the problems that could be throwing things off in your process.

 

  1. Not Enough Time Has Lapsed

There is a real issue within our society of not giving things enough time to take hold and really develop, in order to show results.  This is especially true with losing fat or gaining muscle. After all, we tend to feel like we should have amazing results after putting in a few weeks worth of work at the gym, and having the muscle soreness and fatigue to show for it.

However, this process is an extended one. Yes, you can get results in the short term BUT, the results that you’re probably looking for are going to take time. I can remember times when I needed to shed fat, getting frustrated after two or three weeks and had only lost 2 lbs. The thing of it is…results aren’t necessarily linear. Meaning, you might stagnate for weeks on end and then lose 3-4 lbs, the very next week. This happened all of the time with me and had I given up, I would’ve never learned this lesson.

Don’t get drawn into the realm of the quick fix. Remind yourself daily, that this is a process, and every bit of work and sacrifice is getting you closer to your ultimate goal.

 

2. Your Diet is No Good

Diet is the most important aspect of both losing fat and gaining muscle. Yes, you have to workout, but if your diet isn’t on point, the working out isn’t going to have very much effect.

Again, on a personal note, I have lifted and done cardio on a consistent basis before while paying no attention to my nutrition. Working out 4-5 times per week, I was still 20+ lbs away from having six pack abs. Sure, I had muscle and my physical capabilities were much better than the average person who didn’t exercise, but I was just spinning my tires.

I had to learn that I cannot fight the nutrition aspect and expect to get good results.

This meant that I had to give up eating and drinking certain foods and getting my caloric intake inline. Once I stopped resisting, the fat started coming off, and within a few months I was in the best shape of my life. It is much easier to do cardio workouts when not carrying an extra 25 pounds on your body.

Don’t justify to yourself eating that sugary snack or beverage because, “I worked out today”…unless you’re in a caloric deficit, it won’t really matter.

 

What’s Your Actual Goal?

There are people in the gym, who are there everyday for months on end, and get no results. Yes, it’s related to their poor diet, but also the fact that they don’t have a clear goal in mind.

“I want to lose fat” is not an actual goal. I mean, how much fat? In what time frame do you want to lose it? What’s your diet like? Do you want to gain muscle as well?

Be specific with what you want to achieve. It not only allows you to adjust when things aren’t working correctly, but it also allows you to have a specific result that you’re aiming for. Motivation only takes you so far. There are days where you really won’t want to do anything. As such, you need a plan and specific results in mind in order to keep you on track and not give up.

 

4. Following the Wrong Program

Another big factor that is preventing people from hitting their fitness goals is the completely random way they workout. It can be a good thing to switch up a routine and make the body adjust to the new stimulation. However, just going into the gym and randomly using different equipment is going to achieve haphazard results.

Consistency needs to be a part of any workout program. Yes, getting in shape takes hard work, it isn’t a simple 10 minute daily process and then pretending you’ve achieved something so that you can go home and eat more food. Get a routine, stick with it, and give it time to show results.

Need A Program to Get the Results you Desire? Try this!

What is Visual Impact Muscle Building?

The original VI program is a 3 phase program which lasts a total of six months designed to get you that lean and cut look similar to Brad Pitt in Fight Club, Taylor Lautner, and other Hollywood actors. This program is NOT about adding bulk in whatever form it may come. Rather, the goal is to create as Rusty says, “a sharp-angular look” not the standard bulky ‘meat head’ physique.

I think that most guys want to have some decent muscle mass and have the cut physique that drives women wild and not the huge, steroid monster look that will have them running in fear. Getting in shape isn’t all about the chicks but why not take the benefits that go along with it?

Phase 1 of the program is broken down into 3 separate days and has more of a focus than the other two phases on gaining proficiency and mass. I think that naturally skinny guys would do well to repeat phase 1, so that they could add more muscle before really cutting down in the latter phases. For me, I had to skip the deadlifts and squats in this phase due to an old back injury.

What really changes in between the phases besides some of the exercises is the rep schemes, which is designed to create a certain type of physique and not just add muscle randomly. Below is a link to a video where Rusty Moore explain this in more detail:

 

Who is this program for?

I think that skinnier guys who want to gain some muscle yet retain their leanness would do well with Visual Impact Muscle Building and probably won’t need the cardio program.

Guys who have fat to lose would do well to combine this program with the cardio program, like I did, to really help create a great physique.

What does this program cost?

$47 for Visual Impact and $37 (as of now) for the Cardio program…when purchased individually. Buying both programs usually results in a huge discount for the second one (I think it was 50% off). Really for six months worth of workouts that works out to roughly 26 cents a day in order to help transform your body.

Is the cardio program difficult?

It can be brutal sometimes. It builds up over the program and the last few weeks look pretty damn challenging. There will be weeks in which 5 days a week is commonplace, so it is important to monitor your body and know when to take a break. Overall, I love it. I love having to push myself through workouts because I know that the results are already taking place and I cannot wait until I’m completely chiseled.

Here are some of the perks of Visual Impact Cardio:

  • No more guess work. Specific workouts you can tailor to your own fitness level.
  • Special Advanced cycle designed to help you get really cut.
  • Intense workout to help build stamina and endurance.
  • 3 separate, 8 week cycles, which can be repeated and modified as you get stronger.
  • The reasoning behind everything is explained in simple, easy to understand terms.
  • Can be downloaded instantly, you start right away.

 

 

 

 

Related Posts

How to Be More Attractive to Women Naturally

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There is so much confusion out there on ‘how to get women to think you’re attractive’, that I think most people are missing the point, as to what ‘attractiveness’ is exactly. It’s not always something that you’re simply born with (although, physical attractiveness is based on genetics, but the physical isn’t the whole picture) and there are a whole slew of attractive traits that can be developed over time. In this post, I want to give a quick overview of what attractiveness is and how it can be acquired further.

 

 

The cornerstone and the most important thing to understand about attraction, is that it is based on perception. If you can accept the fact that it is based on perception, then you can come to realize that attractiveness is also malleable, it can be changed. What this also means, is that rejection, isn’t really a rejection of ‘you’ but rather, a rejection of the perception of ‘you’ in that moment in time. OK, so what does this all mean? Allow me to break it down into more manageable concepts.

Short-term vs Long-term

One thing to note is that there is actually different types of attraction based on the amount of time spent with a woman. Short-term interactions tend to be much more superficial. Long-term attraction tends to be much more substantive.

Think about it. Approaching a woman in a bar, gives her a limited amount of time and information, from which to make a judgment about who you are and what she can expect from you…which is one reason why so many guys find this style of getting together with women so challenging. It’s very hard for most of us to be able to let go of all of our baggage in the moment and fully express who we are in an attractive way.

However, what if you sat next to the same woman in school for example or you had mutual friends and saw each other over an extended period of time? Over the long haul, your behavior and attractive qualities would revert to the mean…which might be good or bad depending on how attractive you are overall, as a man. Her moods also tend to fall towards the baseline versus the bar scenario, where she might not even be in a talkative mood that night, and you would fail to get her attracted in almost anyway you approached/interacted with her.

Over the long term, she gets many more reference experiences about who you are, and can make a much more qualified decision about whether to date you or not. Your positive and negative qualities start to shine through, and you can’t hide all of these things, like you can in a short interaction at a bar.

It is important to not get all hung up on ‘rejection’ anyways. It’s merely not having the right perception about you, in a given period of time, to spark attraction in that girl’s mind/body. Plus, that woman’s perception about you could be completely shifted, if you interacted with her at another point in time. Sometimes, things just don’t sync up quite right, and it’s best to just move on.

 

How Perception Works for Attraction

The example that I like to use to demonstrate perception, is that of the celebrity. Let’s say that you have a very high level of skill as a musician or as an actor. Now, let’s say that you are going to a bar alone tonight. Here are two potential scenarios about how that night will play out, based on perception:

In the first scenario, everything about you is the same from the way you walk, dress, talk, etc. as it is in your current reality. But in this scenario, you also have insane musical talent. Like, every song that you create is just amazing. However, you don’t share this music with anyone, and nobody has a clue as to how skilled you truly are. Would you be able to take a woman home that night for sex? Possibly. It depends on other factors such as how well you communicate, look, the logistics, etc.

Now, for scenario #2, let’s say that everything is the same but this time, you actually share your music with the world. In fact, you have the biggest song and album in the country, and everybody knows who you are.

Would you get laid at the bar that night? Of course. The fame and celebrity give you instant qualification with women. You have the highest level of social proof/acceptance that is possible.

Notice, however, that there isn’t anything inherently different about you in either scenario. You have all the same skills, just in one example, those skills are known by everyone. Nothing has changed except the perception of you and yet there are going to be a lot more attractive to women in one scenario versus the other. This should show you how fickle attraction really is. You are the same guy at your core, yet the results would vary wildly.

The celeb example is good to use because it shows the wild disparity of outcomes that are possible, based solely on perception. Of course, fame is like a cheat code that bumps up your social attractiveness to insane levels, and can do all the work for you. However, the same thing holds true on much smaller scales.

Also, having such a high level of fame will mask the other shortcomings of your personality and looks. Yes, celebrity guys can still have shitty ‘game’, get cheated on, and lose women to other guys who have the ability to greatly change the perception about themselves.

Perception is also effected by the environment or medium in which it is presented. Who one s perceived to be is different in a loud club (looks and body language dominate) versus in your day to day life (where people get to experience you on a baseline average) versus something like online dating (which is a representation of you, as if you’re marketing yourself as a product. Much more about looks and selling an image).

 

The Smaller Scale

Everything about you, factors into how attracted women are going to be to you. In addition to that, each woman will have her own tastes and biological factors that will effect how much or how little attraction she will have towards you. There are so many variables in any given interaction, that trying to feel some type of certainty in the outcome (whether she likes you or not) becomes absurd.

You and I and any other person on Earth is not going to be attractive to everyone, no matter how good looking and famous we might be…it’s just not possible, so don’t take it personally, if someone isn’t into you. There’s like 7 billion people and you can’t please them all.

What you or I can do is to maximize our attractive factors to the best of our abilities. There is a certain percentage of women out there who will be attracted to you and that percentage fluctuates based on how much you can alter their perceptions about you.

So, if I was to become the most famous, physically attractive, best socializing, etc. version of myself…I would hit the highest percentage of women on the planet that I could attract, at a certain age. At that age, I would peak and my powers would fade into my elderly years. This highest percentage is of course theoretical and not even realistic in terms of something to aim for, nor even is it desirable (there’s only so many chicks you can talk to), but it is something to consider in the abstract.

The attractive factors, again, encompass everything about you. You can conceptualize this, as if you were creating a video game character, and there was a sliding scale of attributes. So, your video game character might be a 10 out of 10 in strength, but only a 7 out of 10 in speed. Attributes work in a similar manner in terms of attraction. The higher you can push towards an elite level of any given attribute, the more women will be attracted to you.

For guys with male model looks, that is their elite attribute, the physical. Their face and bodies are almost perfectly aesthetic. Their personalities may be shit (which will cost them in the long run), but they are so elite in this one aspect, that they will still attract plenty of women.

What about guys who don’t have elite looks? Well, the key is then to maximize the looks that you do have and develop other aspects of yourself to an elite (or close to it) level.

Ever seen an average or below average looking guy with a hot woman? I’ve seen plenty. You know how he got her? Other factors beyond looks, most likely personality.  You have to understand that: women love guys who supply positive emotions and if you have a high level skill of making people feel really good when they are around you, it becomes like an addiction for them.

Other attributes can be: your social circle/connections, intelligence, humor, sense of style, your lifestyle, career, values, and on and on the list goes.

Why can’t most guys accomplish becoming elite in any given attribute? The same reason as anything else, it takes a lot of fucking work. Whether that work is worth it to you or not, is completely your choice. I don’t personally advocate chasing women or making them the centerpiece of your life but personal development has major impacts in one’s life beyond just dating/attraction. Women eventually just come into your life as a byproduct of becoming an attractive man who excels at what he wants to do.

 

What to Develop?

The most basic things to change about oneself is you internal state and your external appearance. It’s hard to become elite at socializing, creating a fun energy, etc. if your inner state is so fucked up that you are just constantly riddled with anxiety and fear. How are you going to build a social circle or connections with people, if you can’t even summon up the courage to start a conversation? Socializing is a skill that requires lots of practice and if you can’t practice, you cannot get good at it.

Working on your inner self and letting go of all the hangups you’ve accumulated in life is where I would suggest starting. In fact, this was the biggest turning point in my own life. Once I could let go, I could be free to express who I truly am, without having fear suppress everything. After all, who wants to be around someone who is completely absorbed in their own head/problems?

People’s moods and behaviors in an interaction, tend to move towards the level of the person with the strongest frame/energy level. That’s why a person with intense anger or negativity can completely dominate a room and make everyone feel uncomfortable. The reverse is also true. So, if one can be that guy who creates fun and positive emotion wherever he goes, people will want to be around him, naturally.

Physical appearance is also an easy one to change. How you dress, how much muscle, body fat percentage, hair cut, the colors you wear in terms of your skin tone, etc. All of these factors can effect the level of attractiveness. For example, if I go out tonight in baggy clothes, with my hair all messed up, and wearing a bad shade of color for my complexion…my natural attractiveness is obviously not going to be very high.

Obviously, be able to switch things up, and don’t become too attached to an identity. If losing some weight would help in both dating and your overall health, why remain attached to an identity as a ‘fat guy’? That is not ‘who you are’. Fat is simply stored energy, not a story to wrap ourselves up in emotionally, so let it go. Who we are both biologically and our mental constructs are in constant flux, anyways.

Other attributes, such as the ability to socialize and attract people at a high level, takes a lot more time and effort. Results will not come overnight. After all, if your conditioned way of being took your entire life to develop, how can you expect to completely change in short order?

Personal growth isn’t easy, nor is it comfortable. It is like constantly walking on the edge of what is possible and expanding your comfort zone a little bit at a time. Dramatic change is possible but it takes so much effort and discomfort, that most people will simply quit somewhere along the journey…which is fine, but complaining about not getting what you wanted, should then be off limits to you.

The best way to tackle becoming more attractive and developing yourself is by working on something each day. The little things start to add up,  from healthy meal decisions to forcing yourself to go out and meet new people. The results pile on as time moves forward, eventually creating a strong perception of you as an attractive guy. The question is, will you change or keep falling back into old patterns?

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Can You Become Enlightened without Meditation?

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The concept of enlightenment has become so bogged down in so many different theories, practices, and ideas that it’s almost become pointless to use. It can conjure up images of some peaceful man from the far east who has transcended all of the world’s problems, who meditates for hours a day, and generally never suffers from the usual things that people have problems with. Then, people begin to think, “Well, he is meditating, that must be the secret to become enlightened.” When in fact, the awakening or seeing through the illusion of the separate self, has nothing really to do with meditation as such. Meditation is merely a tool to help one along the path.

 

Do You Need to Meditate to Become Awakened?

Theoretically, no. However, meditation is a very useful tool that can be used to quiet the mind just enough to start to question the concept of the ‘I’. You don’t need to meditate to start to see through the illusion of the separate self, but it certainly can help.

I meditate almost everyday, as it helps me to shrug off any conditioning that may be starting to creep up from having to interact with society as a whole. In the early stages of my change, I found it more necessary to meditate everyday, and sometimes multiple times each day.

The reason for this was that I had a difficult time quieting the mind enough so that I could do inquiry into figuring out what was ‘real’ and what wasn’t. Also, I had several really amazing feeling experiences through meditation. These blissful experiences that would last for a week or so, acted sort of like a drug or an end result, that I would continually chase. If I got there through meditation, I wanted to do more and more, to get back to feeling that way. Hence, I was resisting the moment as it is, and trying to get somewhere (blissful state), when I should have just let go and allowed whatever was arising to arise on its own (whether it felt good, bad, or neutral…which are also just judgments).

 

Should You Still Meditate, Then?

That’s up to each individual. It’s still good for the stress of interacting with the modern world, which is definitely controlled more by the egoic mind. Like reading books or listening to talks, meditation can help point you in the right direction but it will ultimately come down to the individual surrendering to each moment as it arises. Meditation is a very good way to get in touch with the now and as such will be a good idea for most people to use, at least for a while. I have noticed that I can slip into the now or a state of no thought, almost automatically at this point. I can also choose to play ‘my character’ and go through each day within society, as that role requires of me, and like a costume I can slip it off without any real identification of it as ‘who I am’.

I certainly stay away from meditation as a religious pursuit or in order to become more spiritual, whatever that means. Lighting candles or going through some ceremony, just seems pointless and like a lot of window dressing for nothing. I don’t need to become a monk, buy power crystals, follow a guru, or anything else along those lines. That path leads to too much doctrine and its own cottage industry to keep you chasing some vague notion of enlightenment. Everything is right here in this moment, as it needs to be, your job is to simply recognize it.

 

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Fluenz French Level 1 Language Software Review

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During their Black Friday Sale, I purchased the complete course of Fluenz French, which encompasses five levels worth of lessons. This allowed me to grab the program at the discounted $278 price, which naturally helped to make sure that I will actually stick with the learning, since I have some cost to actually doing so. Did I just all of the sudden want to learn how to speak French? No, I had been doing the free program on Duolingo for a month or so, when I broke my laptop with the functional microphone and never got it replaced to continue. Despite the price difference between the two programs, I actually prefer the Fluenz method to this point, and feel that I am retaining much more of the information that I learn. In this post, I want to give a basic overview of my experiences thus far with Level 1 of Fluenz.

 

Why Learn a Foreign Language?

In both high school and college, I took Spanish as my foreign language elective. I spent thousands of dollars to get the credits in Spanish and ultimately my degree, yet I speak and comprehend almost none of it. That is from a combination of lack of use, practice, and the fact that I don’t think the typical classroom environment is very conducive towards learning a new language. The opportunity cost of those classes were pretty damn high, considering I have retained very little. I didn’t want to jump right back into Spanish, so, I thought that’d French would be a nice change of pace.

Also, needed the structure and ease of access that is presented by an online or desktop program that is professionally done like Fluenz is. I also feel that I will usually get through learning something, if I pay for it. For example, I wanted to learn accounting, so I’ve been doing online classes. Yes, I’ve read general accounting and finance books to supplement my education, but I also know that I probably won’t work my way through problem sets unless I have paid into, have a structure, and will derive some future benefit from it (higher salaries, graduate degree, etc.).


 

The Program

The complete Fluenz French program is split up into 5 Levels. These five levels are further broken up into 30 individual daily lessons which build upon each other and present a new aspect of the language. Now, you can also buy each level separately but I just went ahead and picked up the entire series to save some cash…so, I’ll have a busy 4-5 months of Fluenz it seems.

What I especially like so far about this program is how useful it is for someone looking to travel. You learn how to conjugate verbs and structure sentences while picking up useful phrases and commands for ordering in a cafe (lessons 1-7 in Level 1). You don’t get taught things like the alphabet and numbers right from the start, it is much more practical for eventual use within the real world. Ordering food, asking questions, getting to where you need to go, etc.

Each lesson starts with an introduction video with a presenter. In Level 1, it is Fluenz co-founder Sonia Gil, who is walking you through things. This is usually only a minute or so long before you get into that lesson’s conversation. It’s mostly just to present the topic for the day and offer encouragement.

There is then the conversation which is done by actual native French speakers, who provide the voice acting for the particular situation. This can be anything from talking to a cab driver to shopping at the store or order from a restaurant. I run through this conversation 3 times, as is recommended by Fluenz. That way you get to see the conversation text with translation, without translation, and then just listening to the conversation audio. Keep in mind that learning this conversation is important, as you will encounter many phrases and indeed the conversation later in the workouts.

After the conversation, you go back to Sonia where she explains in detail what you’ve just listened to. She breaks down what was said, what words mean, pronunciation, and introduces any new vocabulary.

The next workout presents a list of new vocab words for auditory practice. The words are presented individually which is great for hearing exactly how a word is supposed to be pronounced and then repeating it aloud to yourself.

Then comes the first matching exercise, where you match the French phrase with its English translation. There is also a vocab matching section, in which you match each French word with it’s photographic representation.

Fluenz also includes plenty of writing, which is actually a good thing because you actually get to learn how to structure sentences. Not only that, it is very helpful to see the differences in spelling between two different words that can sound quite alike when listening to a conversation. There is plenty of repetition but I find it helpful to really help drill the language into my head.

Beyond the normal lessons, there are also flashcards and two sets of podcasts, one reviewing pronunciation and the other comprehension. These are very good ways to review the material, as each covers different aspects of the lessons and provide further insight into the language.

So far, I have to say that I really enjoy using Fluenz to learn a new language. Everything seems much easier to conceptualize and remember than when I was learning Spanish in the classroom. I’m actually retaining much more information than I did in that setting. Now, I still have to finish Level 1 and get through 2-5 as well, but I feel very inclined to stick with it and see this one through to the end.

 

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